All by Myself

It is a Sunday night and I have been sitting in my house, alone, for most of the day. I feel okay, but I am mentally not great. Since I cut off my hair, it feels as if I have lost my super powers. I know I needed to cut it. It was falling out in tuffs. Yet, day 17 passed and none of the rest of my body hair seems to be leaving. Did I cut it too soon?

I have been living on my own for nearly 20 years. I am used to it. It doesn’t mean that I always like it. One thinks that at 36 you should already be married off with kids. This isn’t the path my life took. Yet, you seem to feel pathetic when the first thing anyone asks you about is if you have kids or a significant other.

I do have amazing friends, but I can’t see them every day. I have been out of work during treatment. Old friends have been out of rotation for so long that I wonder if I am even remembered.

My real family is around but we are not on an everyday check in basis.

Sometimes I wondered if I didn’t leave my bed, how many days would go by before anyone else realized it? The fact that no one really worries about me can be freeing, but it is also sort of disturbing.

It makes me feel alone in the universe, more often than I like to ponder.

I know on days like these, the fact that I feel good should inspire me to go out and do something fun. Unfortunately, sometimes I can’t muster the will to want to do it. I try to check myself, but it is like I can’t stop stalling out.

I have come so far from the depression I was originally in; I don’t want to fall back into the death spirals that controlled my life for so long. Still, I don’t know how to reach out.

I can understand how loneliness and depression can derail cancer recovery. The whole journey is about loving and taking care of yourself. You can’t do it when you don’t feel up to it. If you don’t have help, it is really easy to decline super fast.

I am okay, but I can’t let myself get any further down. I just can’t.