Now what?

It has been a few weeks since I have completed my treatments. I am past the boney aches. I am even not really that fatigued. Still, I don’t feel a hundred percent right. How am I really different? Why do I still feel stuck?

I feel like I should have a new lease on life. I went through something pretty big. My life was at stake. You would think I am a total health nut right now. I am not. Although I have been told by more than one person to drink more water, take detoxifying baths, cut out sugar and grains, and eat more vegetables….my diet hasn’t really changed.

I should be working on getting stronger. Yet, I am still pretty stationary. I found a bike I would love to own, and it would help me become more fit, but I won’t allow myself to buy it. I have a new cpap, and wake up more energized than ever…yet, I still stay in bed napping. It is a complete failure to launch.

I feel fear. I am fearful of dying. I am fearful of being alone. I am fearful of getting caught up in a life that held me bondage before. I am fearful that things may never work out.

In reality, a lot of these fears are baseless, but I still let them control my life. It isn’t working. Still, I look around and see so much that needs to be done that I am just overwhelmed to the point of sitting there and staring at it for several hours a day. At least I use to put effort in distracting myself from it.

I thought I was making some progress last week when I went on not one but two dates. The women were nice. They were semi-normal, but there just wasn’t anything there. I am beginning to wonder if I was ever meant to be in a relationship with anyone.

I keep wondering why I am not worthy of that kind of loving relationship. I want to have someone to lean on, to love, to be there for me in the middle of the night. I don’t know what it is like to have someone to sleep next to. I don’t know what it feels like to desire someone and feel like they desire you in return. There is so much that I feel I haven’t been privy to, and it hurts.

I have to remember that I am not alone. I am so lucky to have two guys that love me and are there for me. I have someone to listen to me, to play with, to share my life with. I sometimes wonder if I am just being selfish because I want more.

Dating is such a mine field though. First, there is usually such anxiety over just meeting someone new and fearing rejection. That is normal. For me, there is this added baggage. Am I attracted to you? Do I even know what that really feels like? Is it even possible for me to please you? Is it possible for anyone to ever please me? I don’t know what I am doing here.

Sometimes I wonder if I am going to die and never know what it is like to love someone and have them love me in return. I may never know what it is like to have a true valentine or get married. I have had glimpses. In some ways, I feel like I have experienced more love and intimacy that some people who are in defined relationships. Is it wrong for me to want more?

I don’t know what path to take. I am afraid that anyone I choose will just lead me off a cliff. I don’t trust myself. I sometimes wish I just had a map, but even if I was given one…I would probably be too afraid to follow it.

I don’t know what any of the answers are. I am starting to get super impatient with myself and everything else. I want everything solved yesterday, and I am super unrealistic with my expectations.

I am treading water here. I hope I see some sort of boat or at least a lighthouse so I can at least point myself in a direction that has some capability of producing fruit for my labor. I know that you sometimes only need the faith of a mustard seed to sustain you in your journey. There are days were my faith struggles to mustard just that.

For this reason, I keep asking myself, “now what?”

Holiday Sadness

I actually had a good time at Thanksgiving this year, but as we dive into the “holiday season” I have to admit that I have been feeling a little more blue. I see the decorations going up. People are running around buying gifts and feeling jolly. I feel a little more somber.

I was hoping this season would be different. I don’t have the same obligations as before. I have worked on being more comfortable with who I am and that I don’t need to feel pressured to have a picture perfect mate and family. I am the creator and designer of my own happiness. Still, I can’t shake feeling alone.

Maybe that is why I am running into some of my recent problems. I feel this internal sadness and in a bid of self-protection I am drawing myself inward. My boys will be 10 hours away during the holiday. I love my family, but I don’t feel as close to them. Going home is more of an art in surviving than thriving.

I don’t expect gifts. I feel like I can’t buy the gifts that I would like to give away, so I don’t really want anyone to get me any. As I look around my empty house, I don’t really want to decorate. My tree doesn’t have half of its lights working. I still have stockings for deceased animals. Why have a constant reminder or my singleness put up around my house?

In reality though, I love Christmas. In my imaginary world I would have a fully decorated house, holiday party, delicious cookies, fun friends, and a special someone to share everything with. I am a sucker for the season and the reality that I will have none of that just makes me really sad.

As far as I think I have grown and advanced, I feel like I am stuck. I am still preventing me from getting what I want. I am so sure that I am not going to get it, that I have stopped even trying. I hate the constant disappointment.

Now that I am going through cancer treatment, I think…what if this is my last Christmas? Is that how I really want it to go down? Unloved and unwanted? Why am I being so unkind to myself? Why am I resorting back to the same thought patterns that have made me so miserable before?

I just don’t have an answer. I don’t know how to get what I want.

I had a girl message me on a dating website out of the blue. I responded and after a few emails we even talked about getting together. She seemed cool when I talked about going through treatment; she stopped writing when she realized I was a “virginal” lesbian. I posted an ad on Craigslist. Usually, I get some sort of response. No one has responded in the four days that I have had it posted.

Something is off.

I don’t know what my problem is. I don’t know how to fix it. I feel doomed to repeat my past history, and it feels like my new healthier spirit is dying a little. I have been crying so much in the last few days that my eyes are super puffy and almost all my eye lashes on my left eye are gone.

I just want to curl up somewhere, put my head down, and go to sleep for a very long time.