I have been feeling so good recently. I am feeling loved. My body feels good. My mind is so hopeful and enthusiastic. Being on the high-flying disk is a radical experience. I am finally comfortable being me, authentically me. The pain of self-judgment melts into the comfort of self-acceptance. For someone who has spent decades feeling so bad, this joy is ecstasy.
Still, no one can be in this place always. I think the more accountability you hold for your own emotions, the easier it can be to stay. I have heard over and over again that people join you at the vibrational energy you give out. Sometimes when we are in extended relationships with family members or loved ones, what holds us from changing is incompatibility of the vibrational energies.
Alex and Max, again, have been with me from the beginning of this year. They probably even started the ball rolling on this year of releasing judgment. I remember Max, in particular, talked about the excruciating desire to change our lives and that they wanted me on the bandwagon so I wouldn’t get left behind.
It sounds selfish, but I think it was one of the most loving things anyone has done for me. I love you. I see our current path heading to undesirable outcomes. I have to change this pattern for me because I know the joy that is behind it. It is my deepest desire that you take that journey with me. To participate in it. To embrace it. If you can’t, I love you so much as to let you go so you can find what you need in life. But, my deepest desire is that you stay right here with me so we can expand together.
All three of us have progressed so far. We have found aspects of ourselves that have truly inspired us and brought us joy, but we have also felt the feelings we have kept in order to hide these aspects from ourselves. We are all becoming much closer to who we really are.
I believe that this process has been radically sped up because we are doing it in unison. When each of us experiences a breakthrough, it inspires the rest of us. When someone experiences a set back, we all learn from it.
This week in particular, I was feeling great. I attribute one night in particular to a magical experience. For someone who has always questioned what she really wants, visions were coming fast and furious. I had an inspired day of writing. So much seemed to be going my way.
When I saw Alex and Max latter that day, I couldn’t hold back my excitement and joy. I was so filled with positive energy that I thought they must be flying as high. I attributed them to the cause of my feelings, why not?
They both stated that they were having a difficult day. Max had woken up late and was beating himself up for not accomplishing stuff on his to do list. Alex and Max live an existence where they don’t have to keep a normal schedule. They don’t work desk jobs. Still, the pull of society is that everyone goes to work at 9am and gets off at 5pm; good people get to sleep by midnight, really tugged at Max.
Alex refers to this as “hall monitor” syndrome. Whenever we were having a great time, there would come a point where Max felt he needed to act like a parent in order to get the kids to behave. He was the oldest in his family, and often felt like he played a parent to his younger sister.
Max is not a boring, lifeless person. He is one of the kindest, more compassionate and caring people that I know. In recent years, when he starts feeling the need to play the “hall monitor” or if his blood sugar is getting low, he can become pointed.
Before, when he made these switches, it killed me. As someone who barely had any self-esteem and felt like they had even fewer friends, when my best one bit back it ruined me. Sometimes it would for days. If the person I loved more than anyone else could treat me that bad, why should anyone else?
I often would never say anything to Max about how I felt when these incidents occurred. Having experienced my parents’ blowouts growing up, I learned that the best course of action was to shut up and hide. Often, it took Alex to point out to Max that his mood was elevated.
As I began to release the disease to please and recapture my voice, I learned that I had to confront Max during these times. It was so horrific at the beginning that Alex would often have to sit us down to work it out. As I became more honest and assertive, I felt these attacks less.
One of the things we all learned about was the power of blood sugar. All three of us are insulin resistant or diabetic. Back in the day, Alex would hit low blood sugar, step out of a car, and demand to walk home. When I had it. I would get incredibly weepy. I would refrain from turning on others and just go on a death spiral of how horrible I was. Max has always just gone to a super bitchy place.
This week, Max was feeling very stagnate. He has witnessed our forward momentum, and he doesn’t want it to stop. In his world, we need to get on the bandwagon. Eat right. Go to the gym. Get on a schedule. Write down our plans and start executing them.
This came to a head in a Mexican restaurant. The boys asked if I was hungry, and if I would like to eat there. Now, they don’t really like Mexican food…not the way I do. I also know that I like this restaurant more. I was surprised, honored, and delighted that they asked to go there, knowing it wasn’t their first choice and that I hadn’t asked to go there. I felt as if they where honoring me for no other reason than the fact that they wanted to.
My delight was a little short lived because I knew both of them were low blood sugar. Max in particular was having difficulty. I tried to get Max to describe his feelings and he would run into a brick wall. Everything went back to being fat, not following through, having all these tasks left undone, etc. Knowing that had nothing to do with it, I kept digging. As it brought up something, he would verbally lash shut down. He was having so much difficulty being vulnerable.
I looked at Alex and he looked spent. I could feel his pain through his eyes. He had been dealing with this for a while and had come to terms with what was right for him. If Max couldn’t change his path, he felt like they might have to separate in order to continue growth. Somehow I knew that Max was at the crucial point of change. He was so close that it tasted so far away.
I gave the boys some words of encouragement and let him know that I had faith that this could be worked out. I was flying on my high-flying disk, still looking at the positive aspects of the situation. I used my newfound knowledge to listen, really listen. I shared how I saw comparisons to my growth and what I had to do to change.
I know they were listening, but I know it is annoying to hear someone that you are use to commiserating with or feeling better than because they were at least more miserable, try to tell you what to do. It is a switch of hierarchy. There also has to be some real faith and trust that the other person isn’t blowing smoke up your ass as well.
At the end of the meal, I felt compelled to share one of the lessons that I wrote about previously…but I kind of got left at the table. I took a really deep breath. It was the moment that I was completely knocked off my disk. I was upset that I had let it get to me. I was discouraged because I desperately wanted Max to feel better, but I didn’t know if I knew what to do. The frustration turned into momentary anger until I reminded myself: NO ONE is responsible for your feelings but you. Yes, Max might have knocked me off, but I was the only one keeping myself away from the high-flying disk. It was totally within my control.
I also reminded myself that the quickest way to get into the vortex was to love something, anything. I went through all the things I was grateful for and retapped into my love for Alex and Max. I was immediately back on the disk.
We took a break to do some things and regrouped. When everyone was calm and nourished, Alex and I turned to Max and told him that we love him and wanted to help him. We kept asking clarifying questions, waited for his response and digged further. We reflected back to him exactly what we saw him to be and how much we loved him. The glare of the truth light was excruciating for him. He would hide under blankets or yell at us, but you could tell that he wanted to be released.
What came to head was that his trigger bad emotion is embarrassment. He is afraid of being embarrassed. He is afraid of others embarrassing him. Embarrassment is the gauge he uses to determine his worth all the time. The “hall monitor” was installed to keep anyone from feeling embarrassment. On the other hand, when Max felt threatened…he would release a verbal lashing to instill embarrassment in others.
This was so affective with me. Max and I are so alike. In me, he saw me struggle with the same demons he did. I was worried about being a disappointment, but the same things he thought were embarrassing did often not embarrass me. That way, when he got frustrated that I was beating myself up, he would embarrass me about something I felt okay about. This would cause me to second guess myself, and feel even worse.
I had been so self-conscious about my lady bits that I grew cancer in them and had to rip them out. I told him, you can continue on this path with a similar result…or you can just relax and find some way to appreciate that which embarrasses you so much.
Often times, the solution is just finding some aspect to love. You might have to start with easier things around the target, but eventually….you have to look at the thing you hate the most and either decide to keep resisting it or just let go and learn to love it. So often, the object of your obsession is not as horrific or unique as you think it is. Only by shining the light of love and acceptance on it, can you fully accept how wonderful and marvelous you are.
We are at our best when we are most in tune with ourselves. The more we can honestly say we love ourselves, the more joy and happiness we can feel. It is only then that we can manifest exactly what we want for our lives. This is our purpose on this planet. Just like in the Never Ending Story, the Universe is built on all of our dreams and desires. There is nothing exactly right or exactly evil…..everything is good.