Everything Always Works Out for Me

For some reason, I am a worrier. I come from a long line of them. I was trained from a young age to be nervous about all the possible bad things that could happen. Murphy’s law was always in effect. My father was always convinced that bad stuff only really happened to him.

When you spend three decades in this mindset, it is really hard to break it. I have fretted about almost ever decision I have made in life. Even when I make a decision, I will constantly second-guess it. This has made my life a living hell on more than one occasion.

When I knew that my doctor recommended chemotherapy and radiation after my surgery, it took me a month to figure out what course of treatment I wanted. I had a choice between a clinical trial and standard treatment, or even no treatment. I asked everyone for an opinion, and rarely would people give me their thoughts. Eventually, I just made a decision from my gut. Which is what was necessary, but it didn’t stop me from second guessing it.

I don’t know why people are wired to worry. It is a waste of energy. Somehow, I figured that if I focused on the problem and all the variables long enough, a solution would follow. I would careful collect data. How have other people done this? What is the current popular viewpoint? What is the viewpoint of those around me? With a million different ways to make a decision, how could I ever be sure that I was making the right one?

This was particularly worse when my self-esteem was nearly non-existent. I might have had an intuitive idea, but if it wasn’t backed by an “expert” or someone I trusted, it wasn’t good enough. There is nothing worse than to not trust yourself. That is why I believe I felt it necessary to worry. If I couldn’t trust my own answer to any problem, how could I ever trust any decision I made?

How could I get out of this perpetual wheel of doom? How could I keep from sliding down the spiral of shame?

First and foremost, worry is an extension of fear. Fear creates suffering. Suffering has evolved in humans as a tool to keep us searching for better options. It has helped us adapt to our surroundings and evolve. The problem is that humans start thinking that you have to suffer in order to change and grow. I used to be convinced that if something was bothering me, I had to sit in the discomfort long enough to get the motivation to change or come up with a solution.

In reality, the fear and suffering only made me less inclined to take risk. I was made only more skeptical of any solution, and I often thought that I might prefer living in the unwanted because the fear of trying the unknown might be worse. I was horrified about making mistakes. Not only was I set to be super judgmental of my actions, but I feared the judgment of others.

For the past year, I have been chipping away at this obstacle. My first step was taking an anti-depressant so I was chemically able to look at things in a more rational light. Secondly, I had to face my need to please. I had to stop caring what anyone else thought of me. That was a super difficult step. I had to say “no” to others and “yes” to myself. This only got easier as I worked on realizing that I am worthy. Just by being born, I am worthy. I don’t have to do anything to be worthy. If I make a bad choice, it doesn’t strip me from being worthy. Even if a posse of people considers me ugly, a loser, an idiot….that doesn’t make me any less worthy than them. I am, and have always been a “good” person.

Only after I could accept this, could I move on to change my old negative thought patterns. There are so many old tapes, old belief systems that we carry around in our heads. Often, they were recorded to help us out at some point. Once they have lost their effectiveness, they tend to hang out in the back of our mind instead of being thrown out. The process of changing them is challenging.

For me, I had to outline my new truth. Everyone and everything is a direct connection to Source, or the Universe. If the ocean was God, we are all a cup of God. We are all worthy of infinite love and acceptance no matter who we are or what we do.

I also began to really observe that we live in a “vibrational” reality. All matter vibrates at a certain frequency. We all are bound to the universal law of attraction. This law states that like attracts like. What ever you focus on persists. Our thoughts become things. This can actually be a horrifying thought. Anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer can tell you about bouts of thoughts that aren’t pleasant. If you believe thoughts become things, you start to focus on getting rid of bad thoughts, which only leads to more bad thoughts.

This is where I have come to terms with the belief and understanding that the Universe only wants what is best for us. We came into this human existence for the purpose of creating. We are on the leading edge of creation. By determining our points of attraction, we are creating an ever-expanding Universe.

It is like that pivotal scene in “The Never Ending Story.” Bastian, the young human boy, is left with the Empress of Fantasia and a single grain of sand left from the mythical world. She explains to him that the fate of Fantasia lies with him. All he needs to do is to imagine a new Fantasia, use his dreams to make wishes that will ultimately bring this world back to life. Of course, he is completely skeptical.

We have been told that “reality” is only what we see manifested in front of us. We limit ourselves from believing that we are ultimately responsible for the “reality” that we live in. The news, television, radio, and other messages thrown in our face indicate that the world is set up to be harsh, unpredictable, and dangerous. We are set up to distrust our neighbors. We are encouraged to fear the oncoming threats from a barrage of others. We echo a constant drum that forces beyond our control are working against us.

The true reality is that nothing is against us. There is neither good nor bad in this world. Everything is beneficial to the ultimate goal of creating more of what we want. When we stop blaming everything on everyone else, we can actually harness our real power. We are ultimately responsible for how we feel, what we do, and what we create.

What? I am responsible for getting cancer? In my case, yes. I lived in a well of darkness. I denied myself anything that brought me joy. I only reacted to the world around me, and refused to take care of myself because I thought it was more important to invest in what I believed others thought was more important.

I can look back and point out a million different ways I could have done things differently. There are times that I have even gotten down on myself for past decisions as idiotic, but I did the best I could with what I had to work with. Even if I made a decision that wasn’t wise, the lessons I learned through the failure only made me a better person. Hence, there really wasn’t anything that I did that was good or bad, right or wrong. It was just another step in the journey.

So, why do I feel bad?

Every one of us possesses a finely tuned emotional guidance system. Our emotions tell us how we really feel in relation to things. Unfortunately, I believe most of us have never really understood how to use it. It is actually amazing. Just like our sense of touch has evolved to help prevent us from burning our hand on a hot stove, our emotions can guide us toward what we really want.

Whenever you feel anxious, fearful, sad, or angry, you are actually pinching yourself off from Source. What? Let me explain it another way. God/the Universe/Source knows you. It is ultimately pure, unconditional love. Whenever we feel bad, it is an indication or how far we have pinched ourselves off from the love of God. When we doubt ourselves, when we second-guess the intentions of the world and our brothers and sisters, we are blocking ourselves from seeing and feeling the world as God sees it.

Another interesting point is that we are constantly making notes of what we like in the world. Every interaction we have fires off a point of attraction. It is different for all of us, and it happens whether we are aware of it or not. When we see things we do not like, it fires off a rocket of desire for what we do want. The more negativity we feel about something, the more we desire its opposite. This is the “contrast” we observe. When we are in the midst of people who anger us, jobs that frustrate us, and situations that overwhelm us, we are becoming clearer about what we really do want.

These desires are housed in an area called a “vortex.” Everything we have ever desired exists in this dimension and is available to us at any time. The problem is that this vortex exists only on our highest-level disc. In order for it to manifest in our reality, we have to raise our vibration to its level. If I want to listen to 103.3 FM, I will be disappointed when I dial in 98.2 FM because it is not the right frequency. Like attracts like. We attract what ever is at the same vibrational frequency we are on. If we are feeling grumpy, we are on the grumpy disc. During the day, people and situations that are on the grumpy vibration will be drawn to us.

So, how can I change my vibration?

You change your vibration a few different ways. First, quiet the mind. You reset the mind after you sleep or meditate. You do this by quieting the mind from thinking. If you hold any thought for as little as 17 seconds, law of attraction will bring a like-minded thought to build upon it. After several thoughts, you start building momentum in a certain direction. You can tell what disc you are on by the way you feel.

For instance, say you just woke up. Your mind is in good neutral territory. Try to stay focus on thoughts or actions that make you feel good or bring you joy. Observe things to be grateful for around you. Try to stay on your highest disc for as long as you can. Try to tune out any negativity: television programming, negative messages, fearful people, etc. If something happens, and you find yourself slipping, don’t get upset about it. Try to look at the positive, meditate, or take a nap. This is hard when you have been used to feeding your ego with negativity over the years, or serving up sob stories to everyone to build attention or look for sympathy. It is a new way of living, and it takes a while to learn how to stay focused.

Try to live in the present. Don’t worry about what is coming up, nor keep tormenting yourself with the past. We are all living on a river of ultimate well-being. Remember, the Universe knows what you want and the law of attraction is trying to get you to what you want on the path of least resistance. Our only responsibility is to have fun, don’t hurt anybody, and enjoy the ride. Many of us were raised to believe that the only way we can get anything we want is from hard work and struggle, but in reality it is the opposite.

Life is supposed to be fun. What we want can come to us through ease and joy if we just relax and let the Universe do the work. The Universe has built planets and stars, if we want a new car, it isn’t that difficult for the Universe to pull it out. The time between our rocket of desire and manifestation is the time needed to fill in our grid. I see this as the Universe putting what ever is necessary to make something happen into order. The less resistance we have toward what we want, the faster this process can happen.

Trusting in this process is difficult. Our first instinct is to “effort” our way to what we want. We beat our heads against the wall, trying to figure it all out. We don’t have to figure it out. We don’t have to get to the bottom of a problem; it isn’t our job. I have heard it compared to being dropped off in a river on a boat. We want desperately to do something, thinking it will help what we want to manifest come quicker. The second we start “efforting,” we start trying to paddle against the current. Nothing we want is upstream. If we just relax and focus on what brings us joy, the momentum of well being from the Universe will deliver us directly to what we want on the path of least resistance.

Afraid that this process of “allowing” is lazy? It is. Think about it. Everything we have been told in our society is wrong. Lazy can be a good thing. If we focus on quieting the mind and softening our resistance, the Universe can speak to us in inspirations. We might get an idea, have an opportunity present itself, and because it is divinely inspired…it appears and is executed with ease and joy. It isn’t work. It is enjoyable.

What if we are caught up in a sweep of momentum, and you are afraid it isn’t going in a positive direction? When I started to go to the doctor to figure out what was going on with me, it seemed like I was on an automatic roller coaster ride. First I needed an ultrasound, than a biopsy, than a scrape, then surgery. It would have been very easy to get caught up in fear and negativity. I, instead, made the unusual choice (for me) to just go with the momentum. I understood that the Universe only had my ultimate well being in mind. I just had to trust in that and relax and let the Universe work on my behalf. Ultimately, I would up okay and feeling better than I had in years.

What if I died? Well, aren’t we all going to at some point? Besides, I believe that death only puts us at one with God’s love. It is the ultimate reset button. You don’t need to fear death. Everything you are confronted with in this life was done with your well being in mind. Relax. Enjoy. Be present and witness the glory of God.

If you decide to give this a try, decide how effective it is based on how you ultimately feel. I love my life so much more since I have changed my mindset. If I hadn’t, I might as well have died because I was so miserable. Some people may think you have lost your mind. So what. You will draw better friends to you who get it and help you enjoy your journey or keep you pointed in the right direction.

I went from someone who hated the journey, who always wanted to get to the end of a project as fast as possible, to someone who is actually enjoying the path more than the destination. There is so much to see, to do, and to enjoy in this life. I have also enjoyed seeing my rockets of desire come to fruition in the most creative ways. You might think you wanted something a certain way, but if you remain open…you might see your desire manifest in ways that are far better than anything you could have imagined.

I have also come to realize that life will constantly test you on your ability to stay focused on the positive. I listen to Abraham Hicks and other spiritual leaders on a daily basis to keep centered. I also have amazing friends who can help me conquer trouble when it comes up.

If you try to capitalize on the law of attraction, you will on occasion have moments of true clarity. It is in these moments where I can look at everything that has happened in my life and realize that it all makes complete sense. Nothing that has happened in your life was without a purpose; it is all worthwhile. It is in these moments that you can sit back and truly say, “everything always works out for me.”

 

Spirit Guides

Sometimes the Universe plops something unexpected in your lap. As I have been feeling my vibration rise, I notice that my spirituality is changing a little.

The ultimate message I got from my youth is that God is love. We are not responsible for judgment. Jesus preached that even the most powerful clerics in his day were getting the message wrong. You are supposed to love and accept your neighbor the way God loves you. More importantly, all humans sin. The point of his death was to forgive all sins.

When I read how conservative, right wing Christians twist this….I get ill. No Christian should be pointing a finger at the perceived faults of others. Even though I feel very loved in my original church family, I also don’t know if they could overlook my recent shift in sexual orientation.

Over a decade ago, I began reading several books and Buddhism. I even attended a Buddha 101 conference. I realized that I needed to meditate. I would do it off and on, but I wasn’t great at it. I found that after my diagnosis, I needed to continue to explore this. I found a great meditation group and have started to attend.

Quieting the mind is important, especially when you have cancer.

There are so many times where slightly less than desirable thoughts have been creeping into my mind. Now that I understand the Law of Attraction, the idea that these thoughts existed was troubling to me. I didn’t want to manifest more negativity. In my training from meditation, I have learned that thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more. It is when we start attaching emotion to them that we are giving them power. This was enough to comfort me and even delight when I see the contrasting thoughts to what I want in my life.

I love Buddhism and meditation, but I don’t believe that it is the sole focus of my spiritual path. Many followers of other religions meditate and listen to the wisdom of Buddha as they follow their own path.

One night, I was zoning out and realizing that I have a strong Earth goddess energy. I want to be connected more to the Earth and the creatures that crawl on it. I was inspired to pick up a book on Wicca. I don’t necessarily have plans of becoming a witch for now….but there is something to the energy they bring towards using the medicinal properties of herbs and essential oils in their practice. There is a reverence for all things natural that really sings to me.

As I open up to the ideas of others in many faiths, I came across a meeting called the Shared Circle of Enlightenment at a local New Age bookstore. I signed Alex and I up for it…even before I got his permission (Max had a rehearsal for a show). We had no idea what it really was, but I felt incredibly called to come.

When we entered the store, which is in an old converted house, we were lead up a tiny staircase to a small former bedroom. There was no real decoration in there, just blank walls and two older women around a square card table. The younger of the two women had tarot cards in a green bible cover case. There were three crystals set on the center of the table. We sat down, not knowing exactly what would transpire.

Pat, the organizer asked about what we wanted to talk about. I told her that Alex had a question. He glared at me a little and began to tell her that he was interested in past life regression. It had been of interest for him and he had been feeling an urge to explore it in more depth.

Pat responded that people contract themselves for a number of lives in realm in order to work on goals of their choosing. When they finish, they are reabsorbed into God’s white light and love. Her answers sound so authoritative, that I found myself drawn to her energy.

We continued to ask questions. She mentioned that Alex had a walnut shaped block in his heart chakra. It was very small and should be easy to break because he already had applied the answer to other parts of his life. This block had threads that drifted out that contain the unfinished feeling of projects that might have been done or efforts where he worked super hard and was disappointed that he didn’t get the outcome that he had worked for.

This information was dead on. Alex found this as a running theme in his life and we knew it, we just didn’t know how to break it. She suggested that it was carry over from a previous life. It was as if he chose to face it again in this life to overcome it. The good news was that it was close to being solved.

She than described Alex as being a great teacher. People sought him out because he was so good. This was again backed up by his experience in previous lives. With the teaching, he also was an advanced healer. As she said this, both her and the other woman gave a sense of energy that Alex had possibly more power than them and that they were in the presence of someone possibly greater in these arenas than themselves.

As she was reading Alex, I felt every word as true.

At some point, I had asked about spirit guides. Do they always have to be human? Pat answered no. We learned that how she was getting her information was from her spirit guide and that she could contact ours with our permission.  We agreed.

She looked at me and told me that I had a male energy. He was not human but was showing her long luxurious blonde hair. It was curly and wavy. She than said, “His name is Leo.” I immediately burst into tears. For some reason, I knew it was right. The name Leo has always held special meaning for me. I had always wanted to meet my spirit guides….I had tried meditations and asking others, but never really got it. This felt right. She cupped her hand to her ear and said, “he’s been waiting to hear from you.”

“How?” I asked.

“Do you meditate?” she responded.

“Yeah.”

“Call on him there.” she replied. She also noted the energy of a female guide, but that she didn’t want to come forward at this time. “You know,” she said, “Leo is waiting with a messenger bag. It is bottomless. He has every available resource to help you get what you want. Have faith in that.”

As I am sobbing, she turns to Alex.

She hesitates, talks to this imaginary presence to Alex’s side and tells him, “Your spirit guide wants me to refer to himself as a “he” because that is the way you will feel most comfortable. He is androgynous.”

I go from bawling to having my jaw drop on the table.

“His name is Torian. He is helping you blend the male and female energy in this life, which is something you chose to work on in this life.” Alex begins to cry. “He wears a very decorative mask.”

Alex has embraced his desire to become a drag queen this year. In order to do so, he has had to release so much judgment over what outcasts drag queens are in our society and also face his internalized homophobia. The thing that drives him is the fact that Alex feels that it is his calling and feels closest to his true self when he is doing it. He has no desire to be a female, but putting on the goddess cloak makes him feel alive.

The interesting note is that Alex took great lengths to play “straight” since we walked into the door. He purposely never mentioned anything about being gay or being a drag queen. You could tell that they even felt Alex and I were a couple. So, Pat knew nothing about him. This message felt so true.

She also mentioned that he had an additional spirit guide that was a “wild one.” He was a huge tease and a trickster. He said to call him a fairy. Pat, looked confused and stated that “wild ones” were usually elves but he is going to call him self a fairy, and elfish fairy. She also said his name was Puck.

The meeting was filled with other interesting revelations, but I was left with two important take-a-ways. A) Love is not emotion. Love exists without emotion. B) That I may have tough times ahead but that I need to deal with these things head on. If I do, there is another side where I’ll get exactly what I want. In the meantime, know that I am surrounded by unconditional love. I am loved whether I have believed I have earned it or not. There is so much love for me out there that I need not worry about not being bathed in it. Just trust that I am.

Alex and I were exhilarated. We felt tired from the psychic energy, but fulfilled as well. We left without paying anything. If we had thought there was a psychic and we had paid for her services, we would have never have believed it. This was so pure and so special, it left me feeling the wonder and awe that there is so much more to our existence than we could even begin to understand.

In the end, it was HUGE validation for Alex and I that we were on the right path. She described us as being “closer to home.” The definition being that we were on the verge of really standing in our own shoes in the knowledge of who we are. I am so grateful for the piece of mind that she gave us. It was truly a special gift.

God Wants You To Know

I am connected to this link on Facebook for an app called, “God wants you to know.” A friend of mine use to get it linked to his cell phone. Mine is only connected to Facebook, so I only see it part of the time. I don’t have a smartphone, so it is when ever I just happen to think about it.

Today’s message seems very significant for me:

“Today, Mimi, we believe God wants you to know that shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half sorrow. There is no need for you to go it alone. There are people who love you, and who are ready to give you much needed support. There are even more, – way more than you can possibly imagine, people who CAN love you if you give them a chance. Make ‘share joy, half the sorrow’ your motto for today.”

It has been a cold and rainy day today. Yesterday my bones ached so bad that I stayed in bed for the most part. Today, they still ache, but I am so bored. I can understand why some people still work. Even though I hurt, the boredom can kill.

I have been surfing the web looking for cancer support websites, freebies, etc. Sometimes looking up cancer support resources can make situations worse. I post on discussion boards, but often I get no responses or the other responders are significantly older. It makes you wonder if anyone gets it.

Some of my other friends and family are almost too worried. Yes, I have cancer. No, I am not dying….at least that I know of. I am not hunched over a toilet. I am capable of some housework. It isn’t super bad, but it isn’t great either. There is a balance that is missing.

As a single person going through this, some may say that it is easier. I don’t have to worry about a spouse or kids. At the same time, I often don’t have them as distractions from this cancer blur. I look at my animals and wonder if they are even getting sick of me.

So, this little message means something to me. People know I am out here. People do care. Learning to accept the love is something that has always been difficult, but I desperately need to try it. I think it is really about releasing any judgment and just being grateful for what appears.

I need to remember that someone reaching out to help isn’t expecting something in return. They are loving me because they feel love.  In the Daily Love today, Mastin Kipp talks about how several people feel like they have to prove their love. He offers the following, “Love is not asking us to prove our worth, but to accept it.”

Accept that I am worthy of this attention. Accept that I am worthy of interest and understanding. I am worthy of great things happening to me.

In the end, just believe: I am worth it.