Resistance

It is important to maintain a positive attitude, especially when you are recovering from a thing like cancer. Listening to Abraham Hicks and believing in the Law of Attraction, you learn that you are solely responsible for how you feel and what you think about. The more negativity you radiate, the more negative things happen to you; the more positive and hopeful you are, the more you attract positive things.

Throughout this experience I have experienced both. Before my actual diagnose, I lived years in the dark. I feared everything. I cut myself off from love. I was anxious about anything. I actually was able to flip the switch at some point. I started to rise out of my depression. I became more vulnerable and opened myself up more. Right after my hysterectomy, I felt this incredible feeling of well being. I was flying high on the highest disc I had ever been on.

My energy has fluctuated since then. I have never really gotten to a pre-diagnosis low during most of my treatment. I surround myself with things that keep me positive. Positve people, positive music, positive television and movies. For the most part, it has been working. What is frustrating is when you slip back to a person you remember being and not knowing how to bounce back.

Then on Thursday, I went over to Max and Alex’s. It was a normal night, nothing new. We were going to get some dinner. As they began to prepare, Alex hovered over me. He has been very physically playful which is an energy I am not used to. I had a meltdown about this no more than a month before. I am a person who isn’t touched very often, and I am already super sensitive to it. One day he wouldn’t stop, and I just had a meltdown. I walled up, couldn’t speak. He felt bad about it and promised to leave me alone. I knew in his mind that he would like me to be more playful. I know in some ways his pushing has been helpful, but in many ways it hits a chord that he knows is touchy for me.

Well, on Thursday he full body hugged me. I had my arms crossed over my chest. I knew that he wouldn’t stop, so I just tried to relax and wait for it to be over. When he stood up, he commented that I was blocking my heart chakra. I believe he was trying to say that I couldn’t receive the full benefit of his hug because I was blocking it. He started asking me why I was doing it. I paused to think about it, I knew he was right about it. As I was trying to think through why I might be doing it, he unleashed another bit of commentary that was pointed.

“You know, you always hug me at the end of the night even at times I don’t feel like it. You are aggressive too,” Alex said. Than Max chimed in agreement. They continued to chatter and my heart immediately plummeted. I have been making it a point to hug each of them before I go every night. I do this because I want them to know how much I love them. I do it because I know I won’t be here forever and I don’t want them to feel like they missed one hug from me or have any doubts that I love them. I do it because living as a single person, it is the one form of physical contact that I could rely on, made me feel safe, and felt good.

Totally shut down, I could see their mouths flap but I couldn’t hear words. Tears poured from my face. My blood sugar was crashing. Max made me a shake and we tried to go to dinner. I was silent. We got to the restaurant and asked for a moment to be alone before they went in; they refused to go in without me. We got some hamburgers from McDonald’s and tried to eat them in the car. They kept poking me. “Use your words. Describe what is wrong.”

I tried to tell them that I was upset that my hugs were so annoying, and tried to communicate that I am obviously upset because they mean something to me and Max got frustrated and just told Alex, “go home because she obviously doesn’t understand.” Feeling cut off, instead of listened to, I left for my car and just took off.

I climbed a hill behind a parking lot and was trying to figure how to get home on foot. Alex was yelling to me from the car. I wanted to bolt, but just climbing the hill got me out of breath and I was so exhausted. I got back in the car and we came back to their house. I felt attacked, hurt, and completely shut down. Alex comments hinted at him being hurt that I didn’t receive his affection more openly. He then tried to talk to me, but I was in no place to hear it. Finally he said, “why don’t you just leave and we can talk about this on Monday.

Nearly two days have passed, and I don’t know how I brought this on myself. I was just sitting there. Alex approached me. He knows I am sensitive about touch, and he did it anyway. I didn’t think the interaction was all that bad, but he started to feel hurt and tried to suggest that even though I don’t like you giving me hugs I deal with it…so I am as bad as you. Well, no. If you told me no, I wouldn’t do it. When he attacked the hugs, it hit a chord. I look forward to my hugs; I try to give them with the deepest part of my being. Knowing that it didn’t translate as such hurt deeply. Add to that a fear of never being touched again. This is a girl who has had to live without touch in her life. I could count the years that my mother never hugged me. Falling back into that void hurt.

I know that my sensitivity toward touch may be annoying, or unfun. But that is how my body reacts! It is in my core. I can’t just break it like that. It is like you know that is a sore subject for me; you poked me in the same spot you knew hurt and got the same reaction you normally get. Why do you keep hurting me? Is it for your own amusement? Then, you know I am shut down…stop talking. Stop expecting me to make sense.

Needless to say, I began spiraling out of despair. I got some sort of apology text, but the next day I haven’t heard anything from them. I can’t get out of bed. I can’t stop crying. I feel violated and hurt and I have no one to talk to about it. The old tapes are playing again, and I can feel the negative emotion ripping at my health. My last chemo is this week. If we aren’t patched up, how I will get there and back is in question. My father can’t come because of Maundy Thursday services, my siblings are all working. Part of me is like great, sit in your shit for 8 hours…alone…just like you will always be.

I know I am not in a healthy place. I don’t know how to get out of it. So, I am just going back to sleep. Peace out world.