Forgiveness and Allowing

My last post was written at a pretty low point. I want to emphasize that Max and Alex are not bad or evil. I thought it was important to post that story to show how the mind makes stuff up. Well, it is not a full work of fiction, but the emotions and stories you tell yourself about the situation are.

Only you are responsible for how you feel. If you feel crappy emotionally, it is only you who can change it. As the post was aptly titled, resistance is what it was. I had completely cut or pinched myself off from the love of others, from the love of source. Don’t we all do that from time to time? We are feeling low, so anything that triggers us can send us down a spiral.

Before my more recent slightly more enlightened self, that is the only way I knew how to deal. Someone upsets you, and as an immediate defense mechanism…I would ball up, cut myself out, build walls, go silent, do anything to avoid. In a fight or flight world, my first instinct is always flight.

Before you can really look at the underlying issues, I must really discuss the concept of low blood sugar. If you are not eating every two hours, and are known to be insulin resistant or diabetic, you must always take into account blood sugar. I am not saying that if your blood sugar is low that you can use that as the only excuse for bad behavior, but it plays a crucial role.

I have found that when my blood sugar drops, my whole demeanor changes. I am touchy and impatient. Anger is easier to access. I also find that it can heighten emotional bouts. That is why my friends and I keep protein shakes handy. It can ward off indiscretions until you can find sustenance. I am also working on losing weight and cutting sugar and carbs from my diet.

Now, blood sugar aside, if I am on a low energy swing of things, or am not feeling well, I have to understand that this can trigger things to be magnified in my eyes. I knew I was a lower energy when I went to the boys’ house. I was aware, but other issues pushed me to lose control.

The truth is that I struggle with personal contact and connection. Alex, bless his heart, has been trying to help me. He wants to help me desensitize myself so I can open my heart to more intimate connections with others. Thank god he has been willing to do so. In many ways, it has been a super healing process.

When they were trying to make the connection between my resistance to him and his resistance to my hugs (on occasion) it was from a space of wanting to support growth. Through a combination of low energy, low blood sugar, and fear….I could only really hear one thing. “We don’t want your love. We don’t want your hugs.”

All of a sudden, a world without any physical touch came through my head and lit up all sorts of buttons, bells, and whistles. I could feel a “red alert” activated in my body and an immediate wall begin to go up. My ability to listen was compromised and all I could hear were my fear filled thoughts. The filter was tilted to support the view that the world was out to get me. I was not loved. I would die alone, etc.

I am not proud of my behavior. In reality, my need to get away stemmed from a knowledge of knowing that I was not in a place to respond properly. I knew I was off the deep end. I knew I was not making sense. I became embarrassed. I was afraid. I felt so unworthy of having the equivalent of a “hissy fit” and wanted to hide.

For two days, I knew that I was ridiculous. My mind tried to figure out how to make it through if I was cut off from everyone. I started going through worse case scenarios. They were just stories, stories I made up in the attempt to be self-protective but were really in place to feed the ego.

I admire seeing parents who can help their child work through their emotions. As an adult, I have had to learn through trial in error, sometimes with a therapist, more often than not with the boys. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to push through the embarrassment and ask for forgiveness.

On Saturday night, I realized that life is too short to continue this charade and I asked if the boys could use a visitor. They welcomed me with open arms. I even got hugs from each of them in the end. The only one who kept me pinched off from love was me.

We are all connected. We are all made from the same stardust. We only make life more difficult for ourselves when we believe, for whatever the reason, that we are separate from one another. We feel bad when we feel unworthy because we know instinctively that this is so counter to the truth. God is in us all. We are worthy because we are here. There is no other criteria needed for worthiness.

On Sunday, I actually had a session of Reiki. I had never done it before, but I knew if it could balance and align energies that I could definitely use it. During my session, I was told to reduce sugar and grains and drink more water. I was also told that she was told to do a lot of work on my heart chakra. I confessed that I was just accused of covering my heart chakra and had been having difficulty allowing love and intimacy in my life.

She said that her guides told her that this is carried over from a previous life. Apparently, it is one of the things I chose to work on in this life. I need to forgive others and myself more and allow more love in my life. Instead of cutting things off when a situation arises, I need to forgive and look for the lesson to be learned from the situation.

I also came across some writing about resistance. It was in relationship to change in a business setting, but I think it applies. All change is met with some form of resistance. Matter of fact, the more resistant we are, the closer we are to making a change. Growth requires stretching beyond our comfort zone. Just like exercise makes your muscles sore, because it is building and strengthening tissue. Abraham Hicks says that when we are caught in the momentum of a situation, it is best to go with the flow. It is when we try to “effort” ourselves, or try to fight the current, that we cause ourselves unneeded pain and suffering.

When I go in to get an infusion or a blood draw, I work hard to just breath and relax. I focus on the positive, and just allow and trust the nurse to do her thing. For the most part, it has made each experience easier and usually less painful. Matter of fact, my ease puts them at ease and allows them to relax and do what they have been trained to do with the least amount of discomfort.

Again, I am not proud that I had such a profound meltdown. It didn’t feel good, and I caused a lot of unnecessary pain for myself. If I would have allowed the fear and emotion to wash over me, recognized it, and just released it, I would have had a better time. If I would have just communicated what was going on with me, instead of getting embarrassed, shutting down, then looking for other parties to push blame on, I would have benefitted easier from the experience and all parties would have learned and grown in a more positive way.

The fact that it happened differently is really neither good nor bad. It is what I needed to experience at that time. It was where I was at on the path of my journey. I still learned an immense amount.

Again, of course if someone is abusing you on a regular basis or you know in your gut that you need to put some distance between you and someone else, do it. I have found that if you cut out someone because of an issue that you don’t want to deal with, sometimes it will show up again in a different relationship. Running away is easy. Staying and working through something might appear more difficult at first, but the benefit is so much more rewarding.

On Thursday, I will have my last infusion. My loved ones will be there with me. As much as I don’t look forward to the process of pokes and achy bones, this is my last opportunity to remind myself that I love me and that I am worth fighting for. My life has been enriched by this experience. The future holds nothing but positivity and light. I can’t even imagine all the wonder that I have in store, but I know that it exists.

I am not the same person as when I started. I hope that anyone who has to go through something like this would use it as an opportunity to get more in touch with themselves and use it as an excuse to determine what you really do want and go after it.

At the beginning, I was so afraid to share my thoughts and feelings with others. First, I didn’t know if anyone would really take an interest. The biggest fear was sharing my mistakes, or really admitting that everything wasn’t always okay. I heard a writer say that you only need three qualities to be a writer: something to say, the ability to say it, and the courage to do so…which is the most difficult of the three.

I hope sharing these stories really helps you out on your path. This isn’t the end; it is only really a beginning. Thank you for being a part of this journey with me.