Everything Always Works Out for Me

For some reason, I am a worrier. I come from a long line of them. I was trained from a young age to be nervous about all the possible bad things that could happen. Murphy’s law was always in effect. My father was always convinced that bad stuff only really happened to him.

When you spend three decades in this mindset, it is really hard to break it. I have fretted about almost ever decision I have made in life. Even when I make a decision, I will constantly second-guess it. This has made my life a living hell on more than one occasion.

When I knew that my doctor recommended chemotherapy and radiation after my surgery, it took me a month to figure out what course of treatment I wanted. I had a choice between a clinical trial and standard treatment, or even no treatment. I asked everyone for an opinion, and rarely would people give me their thoughts. Eventually, I just made a decision from my gut. Which is what was necessary, but it didn’t stop me from second guessing it.

I don’t know why people are wired to worry. It is a waste of energy. Somehow, I figured that if I focused on the problem and all the variables long enough, a solution would follow. I would careful collect data. How have other people done this? What is the current popular viewpoint? What is the viewpoint of those around me? With a million different ways to make a decision, how could I ever be sure that I was making the right one?

This was particularly worse when my self-esteem was nearly non-existent. I might have had an intuitive idea, but if it wasn’t backed by an “expert” or someone I trusted, it wasn’t good enough. There is nothing worse than to not trust yourself. That is why I believe I felt it necessary to worry. If I couldn’t trust my own answer to any problem, how could I ever trust any decision I made?

How could I get out of this perpetual wheel of doom? How could I keep from sliding down the spiral of shame?

First and foremost, worry is an extension of fear. Fear creates suffering. Suffering has evolved in humans as a tool to keep us searching for better options. It has helped us adapt to our surroundings and evolve. The problem is that humans start thinking that you have to suffer in order to change and grow. I used to be convinced that if something was bothering me, I had to sit in the discomfort long enough to get the motivation to change or come up with a solution.

In reality, the fear and suffering only made me less inclined to take risk. I was made only more skeptical of any solution, and I often thought that I might prefer living in the unwanted because the fear of trying the unknown might be worse. I was horrified about making mistakes. Not only was I set to be super judgmental of my actions, but I feared the judgment of others.

For the past year, I have been chipping away at this obstacle. My first step was taking an anti-depressant so I was chemically able to look at things in a more rational light. Secondly, I had to face my need to please. I had to stop caring what anyone else thought of me. That was a super difficult step. I had to say “no” to others and “yes” to myself. This only got easier as I worked on realizing that I am worthy. Just by being born, I am worthy. I don’t have to do anything to be worthy. If I make a bad choice, it doesn’t strip me from being worthy. Even if a posse of people considers me ugly, a loser, an idiot….that doesn’t make me any less worthy than them. I am, and have always been a “good” person.

Only after I could accept this, could I move on to change my old negative thought patterns. There are so many old tapes, old belief systems that we carry around in our heads. Often, they were recorded to help us out at some point. Once they have lost their effectiveness, they tend to hang out in the back of our mind instead of being thrown out. The process of changing them is challenging.

For me, I had to outline my new truth. Everyone and everything is a direct connection to Source, or the Universe. If the ocean was God, we are all a cup of God. We are all worthy of infinite love and acceptance no matter who we are or what we do.

I also began to really observe that we live in a “vibrational” reality. All matter vibrates at a certain frequency. We all are bound to the universal law of attraction. This law states that like attracts like. What ever you focus on persists. Our thoughts become things. This can actually be a horrifying thought. Anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer can tell you about bouts of thoughts that aren’t pleasant. If you believe thoughts become things, you start to focus on getting rid of bad thoughts, which only leads to more bad thoughts.

This is where I have come to terms with the belief and understanding that the Universe only wants what is best for us. We came into this human existence for the purpose of creating. We are on the leading edge of creation. By determining our points of attraction, we are creating an ever-expanding Universe.

It is like that pivotal scene in “The Never Ending Story.” Bastian, the young human boy, is left with the Empress of Fantasia and a single grain of sand left from the mythical world. She explains to him that the fate of Fantasia lies with him. All he needs to do is to imagine a new Fantasia, use his dreams to make wishes that will ultimately bring this world back to life. Of course, he is completely skeptical.

We have been told that “reality” is only what we see manifested in front of us. We limit ourselves from believing that we are ultimately responsible for the “reality” that we live in. The news, television, radio, and other messages thrown in our face indicate that the world is set up to be harsh, unpredictable, and dangerous. We are set up to distrust our neighbors. We are encouraged to fear the oncoming threats from a barrage of others. We echo a constant drum that forces beyond our control are working against us.

The true reality is that nothing is against us. There is neither good nor bad in this world. Everything is beneficial to the ultimate goal of creating more of what we want. When we stop blaming everything on everyone else, we can actually harness our real power. We are ultimately responsible for how we feel, what we do, and what we create.

What? I am responsible for getting cancer? In my case, yes. I lived in a well of darkness. I denied myself anything that brought me joy. I only reacted to the world around me, and refused to take care of myself because I thought it was more important to invest in what I believed others thought was more important.

I can look back and point out a million different ways I could have done things differently. There are times that I have even gotten down on myself for past decisions as idiotic, but I did the best I could with what I had to work with. Even if I made a decision that wasn’t wise, the lessons I learned through the failure only made me a better person. Hence, there really wasn’t anything that I did that was good or bad, right or wrong. It was just another step in the journey.

So, why do I feel bad?

Every one of us possesses a finely tuned emotional guidance system. Our emotions tell us how we really feel in relation to things. Unfortunately, I believe most of us have never really understood how to use it. It is actually amazing. Just like our sense of touch has evolved to help prevent us from burning our hand on a hot stove, our emotions can guide us toward what we really want.

Whenever you feel anxious, fearful, sad, or angry, you are actually pinching yourself off from Source. What? Let me explain it another way. God/the Universe/Source knows you. It is ultimately pure, unconditional love. Whenever we feel bad, it is an indication or how far we have pinched ourselves off from the love of God. When we doubt ourselves, when we second-guess the intentions of the world and our brothers and sisters, we are blocking ourselves from seeing and feeling the world as God sees it.

Another interesting point is that we are constantly making notes of what we like in the world. Every interaction we have fires off a point of attraction. It is different for all of us, and it happens whether we are aware of it or not. When we see things we do not like, it fires off a rocket of desire for what we do want. The more negativity we feel about something, the more we desire its opposite. This is the “contrast” we observe. When we are in the midst of people who anger us, jobs that frustrate us, and situations that overwhelm us, we are becoming clearer about what we really do want.

These desires are housed in an area called a “vortex.” Everything we have ever desired exists in this dimension and is available to us at any time. The problem is that this vortex exists only on our highest-level disc. In order for it to manifest in our reality, we have to raise our vibration to its level. If I want to listen to 103.3 FM, I will be disappointed when I dial in 98.2 FM because it is not the right frequency. Like attracts like. We attract what ever is at the same vibrational frequency we are on. If we are feeling grumpy, we are on the grumpy disc. During the day, people and situations that are on the grumpy vibration will be drawn to us.

So, how can I change my vibration?

You change your vibration a few different ways. First, quiet the mind. You reset the mind after you sleep or meditate. You do this by quieting the mind from thinking. If you hold any thought for as little as 17 seconds, law of attraction will bring a like-minded thought to build upon it. After several thoughts, you start building momentum in a certain direction. You can tell what disc you are on by the way you feel.

For instance, say you just woke up. Your mind is in good neutral territory. Try to stay focus on thoughts or actions that make you feel good or bring you joy. Observe things to be grateful for around you. Try to stay on your highest disc for as long as you can. Try to tune out any negativity: television programming, negative messages, fearful people, etc. If something happens, and you find yourself slipping, don’t get upset about it. Try to look at the positive, meditate, or take a nap. This is hard when you have been used to feeding your ego with negativity over the years, or serving up sob stories to everyone to build attention or look for sympathy. It is a new way of living, and it takes a while to learn how to stay focused.

Try to live in the present. Don’t worry about what is coming up, nor keep tormenting yourself with the past. We are all living on a river of ultimate well-being. Remember, the Universe knows what you want and the law of attraction is trying to get you to what you want on the path of least resistance. Our only responsibility is to have fun, don’t hurt anybody, and enjoy the ride. Many of us were raised to believe that the only way we can get anything we want is from hard work and struggle, but in reality it is the opposite.

Life is supposed to be fun. What we want can come to us through ease and joy if we just relax and let the Universe do the work. The Universe has built planets and stars, if we want a new car, it isn’t that difficult for the Universe to pull it out. The time between our rocket of desire and manifestation is the time needed to fill in our grid. I see this as the Universe putting what ever is necessary to make something happen into order. The less resistance we have toward what we want, the faster this process can happen.

Trusting in this process is difficult. Our first instinct is to “effort” our way to what we want. We beat our heads against the wall, trying to figure it all out. We don’t have to figure it out. We don’t have to get to the bottom of a problem; it isn’t our job. I have heard it compared to being dropped off in a river on a boat. We want desperately to do something, thinking it will help what we want to manifest come quicker. The second we start “efforting,” we start trying to paddle against the current. Nothing we want is upstream. If we just relax and focus on what brings us joy, the momentum of well being from the Universe will deliver us directly to what we want on the path of least resistance.

Afraid that this process of “allowing” is lazy? It is. Think about it. Everything we have been told in our society is wrong. Lazy can be a good thing. If we focus on quieting the mind and softening our resistance, the Universe can speak to us in inspirations. We might get an idea, have an opportunity present itself, and because it is divinely inspired…it appears and is executed with ease and joy. It isn’t work. It is enjoyable.

What if we are caught up in a sweep of momentum, and you are afraid it isn’t going in a positive direction? When I started to go to the doctor to figure out what was going on with me, it seemed like I was on an automatic roller coaster ride. First I needed an ultrasound, than a biopsy, than a scrape, then surgery. It would have been very easy to get caught up in fear and negativity. I, instead, made the unusual choice (for me) to just go with the momentum. I understood that the Universe only had my ultimate well being in mind. I just had to trust in that and relax and let the Universe work on my behalf. Ultimately, I would up okay and feeling better than I had in years.

What if I died? Well, aren’t we all going to at some point? Besides, I believe that death only puts us at one with God’s love. It is the ultimate reset button. You don’t need to fear death. Everything you are confronted with in this life was done with your well being in mind. Relax. Enjoy. Be present and witness the glory of God.

If you decide to give this a try, decide how effective it is based on how you ultimately feel. I love my life so much more since I have changed my mindset. If I hadn’t, I might as well have died because I was so miserable. Some people may think you have lost your mind. So what. You will draw better friends to you who get it and help you enjoy your journey or keep you pointed in the right direction.

I went from someone who hated the journey, who always wanted to get to the end of a project as fast as possible, to someone who is actually enjoying the path more than the destination. There is so much to see, to do, and to enjoy in this life. I have also enjoyed seeing my rockets of desire come to fruition in the most creative ways. You might think you wanted something a certain way, but if you remain open…you might see your desire manifest in ways that are far better than anything you could have imagined.

I have also come to realize that life will constantly test you on your ability to stay focused on the positive. I listen to Abraham Hicks and other spiritual leaders on a daily basis to keep centered. I also have amazing friends who can help me conquer trouble when it comes up.

If you try to capitalize on the law of attraction, you will on occasion have moments of true clarity. It is in these moments where I can look at everything that has happened in my life and realize that it all makes complete sense. Nothing that has happened in your life was without a purpose; it is all worthwhile. It is in these moments that you can sit back and truly say, “everything always works out for me.”

 

New Beginnings – A Time of Action

I am learning to realize that the one thing that you’re the most fearful about is probably the thing that you should face and release. You are already thinking about it, so you are creating momentum about it. Sooner or latter the universe is going to give you what you want.

As I realized that I had cancer, I had to laugh at some crazy coincidences. I was born on June 27, so my sign is Cancer. As a child, in the summer I was trapped in my home without adult supervision daily. I would get lost in St. Jude marathons and worry about those bald headed kids that where sure to die. My mother battled colon cancer for two years before passing away at the age of 56. My father got the exact same cancer. I worked for the American Cancer Society for five years.

When I was diagnosed, I did something that I had never done before. I only started to focus on the positive. I changed my thought patterns, found my self-worth, and built a bubble of love around me. I raised my vibration. As Abraham Hicks states, it is really the only thing we should focus on. Let the Universe pull together the rest. I just began to trust. Trust that I was put here on the planet to have fun, learn, and love. Nothing in this life is meant to be against you. The Universe, your spirit guides, all that lives and breaths is behind you, supporting you.

I knew after my surgery that I was going to be okay. I was loved. Everything was for a reason. Even though I still go through those darker periods on occasion, I have never been as depressed as I was before this all happened. I came close to it last week because I began to judge myself. The second you let expectations and judgment enter your reality, it is easy to get bumped off your high-flying disk.

Sometimes you feel reluctance to do something for a reason.

Your internal guidance system lets you know if you want to attempt something before you are ready for it. I used to judge myself as lazy when I got this feeling, and plowed through whatever I thought needed to be done, just to be done. I thought this was one of the key characteristics of being an adult. I also assumed that being an adult should suck.

This never really worked out well. I often resented doing what I was reluctant to do. Sometimes I thought that if I martyred myself enough, someone would see and praise my sacrifice. Nine times out of ten, people wouldn’t notice (which would make me even angrier) or I would brush off their complements and accolades.

If you can wrap your brain around the fact that you are a vibrational entity, that is connected to source directly, and the vortex of anything and everything you want is available to you if you can just match its vibration…..you can embrace your internal guidance system’s warning that you are not ready to move on yet. I have heard Abraham Hicks refer to this as waiting for the grid to fill in. You don’t have to do anything to speed up this grid; the Universe has the manifesting covered. All you need to do is soften your resistance, and ride the boat downstream. Nothing you want is ever upstream. Raise your vibration by doing what brings you happiness and joy. Trust that the Universe has your back.

For a control freak, who was raised to believe that you hard to work hard and sacrifice for everything you get in this world, it took me years to understand this. Even when I finally got it, I still sifting through negative thoughts. I knew that my Emotional Guidance system was in place to let me know that when I felt bad about something. I was firing off rockets of desire in the opposite direction. It only helped clarify what I wanted, but it still would scare me.

One of the ways to actively work through fear is to confront it. Calling the mortgage company for me was extremely tough, even if it isn’t for someone else. If I start to feel my throat close up, and I don’t want to tell someone something because I am afraid of upsetting them or embarrassing myself….I now know that I just need to do it. If I do it right away, I feel so much better. If there is a rough patch that develops, immediate attention prevents permanent scars.

I know this. I have become intimately aware of this principle, but I still find myself choking up. Sometimes my body will grind to a halt and not want to function. I may have missed the opportunity to speak up. That doesn’t mean that the opportunity for positive confrontation has passed. Focus on improving your vibration. When you feel better, just strike while the iron is hot.

I talked through everything with Alex and Max for weeks before I gained the courage to face my fear and call the mortgage company. It got my mind right. I worked on treating myself with kindness and understanding, instead of belittling my perceived flaws. I watched others do courageous things, and took courage from their demonstrations. I listened to nothing but positive and affirming programming. Finally, I realized that I had the least resistance in the morning when I got up. One day I just got up and did it before I lost the courage to it.

I am not saying that this is an easy process, but I feel like I grow by leaps and bounds when I do it and feel so much better. Inspired action feels good. It feels easy. Often, it also indicates that the best possible outcome may be achieved as well. Make decisions out of love, not fear. Don’t second guess yourself once you have decided.

I think being diagnosed with cancer was something I had dreaded my entire life. Once it happened, I was able to say been there, done that. It wasn’t so scary. Now I can focus on what I want in life instead of what I don’t.

Forgiveness and Allowing

My last post was written at a pretty low point. I want to emphasize that Max and Alex are not bad or evil. I thought it was important to post that story to show how the mind makes stuff up. Well, it is not a full work of fiction, but the emotions and stories you tell yourself about the situation are.

Only you are responsible for how you feel. If you feel crappy emotionally, it is only you who can change it. As the post was aptly titled, resistance is what it was. I had completely cut or pinched myself off from the love of others, from the love of source. Don’t we all do that from time to time? We are feeling low, so anything that triggers us can send us down a spiral.

Before my more recent slightly more enlightened self, that is the only way I knew how to deal. Someone upsets you, and as an immediate defense mechanism…I would ball up, cut myself out, build walls, go silent, do anything to avoid. In a fight or flight world, my first instinct is always flight.

Before you can really look at the underlying issues, I must really discuss the concept of low blood sugar. If you are not eating every two hours, and are known to be insulin resistant or diabetic, you must always take into account blood sugar. I am not saying that if your blood sugar is low that you can use that as the only excuse for bad behavior, but it plays a crucial role.

I have found that when my blood sugar drops, my whole demeanor changes. I am touchy and impatient. Anger is easier to access. I also find that it can heighten emotional bouts. That is why my friends and I keep protein shakes handy. It can ward off indiscretions until you can find sustenance. I am also working on losing weight and cutting sugar and carbs from my diet.

Now, blood sugar aside, if I am on a low energy swing of things, or am not feeling well, I have to understand that this can trigger things to be magnified in my eyes. I knew I was a lower energy when I went to the boys’ house. I was aware, but other issues pushed me to lose control.

The truth is that I struggle with personal contact and connection. Alex, bless his heart, has been trying to help me. He wants to help me desensitize myself so I can open my heart to more intimate connections with others. Thank god he has been willing to do so. In many ways, it has been a super healing process.

When they were trying to make the connection between my resistance to him and his resistance to my hugs (on occasion) it was from a space of wanting to support growth. Through a combination of low energy, low blood sugar, and fear….I could only really hear one thing. “We don’t want your love. We don’t want your hugs.”

All of a sudden, a world without any physical touch came through my head and lit up all sorts of buttons, bells, and whistles. I could feel a “red alert” activated in my body and an immediate wall begin to go up. My ability to listen was compromised and all I could hear were my fear filled thoughts. The filter was tilted to support the view that the world was out to get me. I was not loved. I would die alone, etc.

I am not proud of my behavior. In reality, my need to get away stemmed from a knowledge of knowing that I was not in a place to respond properly. I knew I was off the deep end. I knew I was not making sense. I became embarrassed. I was afraid. I felt so unworthy of having the equivalent of a “hissy fit” and wanted to hide.

For two days, I knew that I was ridiculous. My mind tried to figure out how to make it through if I was cut off from everyone. I started going through worse case scenarios. They were just stories, stories I made up in the attempt to be self-protective but were really in place to feed the ego.

I admire seeing parents who can help their child work through their emotions. As an adult, I have had to learn through trial in error, sometimes with a therapist, more often than not with the boys. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to push through the embarrassment and ask for forgiveness.

On Saturday night, I realized that life is too short to continue this charade and I asked if the boys could use a visitor. They welcomed me with open arms. I even got hugs from each of them in the end. The only one who kept me pinched off from love was me.

We are all connected. We are all made from the same stardust. We only make life more difficult for ourselves when we believe, for whatever the reason, that we are separate from one another. We feel bad when we feel unworthy because we know instinctively that this is so counter to the truth. God is in us all. We are worthy because we are here. There is no other criteria needed for worthiness.

On Sunday, I actually had a session of Reiki. I had never done it before, but I knew if it could balance and align energies that I could definitely use it. During my session, I was told to reduce sugar and grains and drink more water. I was also told that she was told to do a lot of work on my heart chakra. I confessed that I was just accused of covering my heart chakra and had been having difficulty allowing love and intimacy in my life.

She said that her guides told her that this is carried over from a previous life. Apparently, it is one of the things I chose to work on in this life. I need to forgive others and myself more and allow more love in my life. Instead of cutting things off when a situation arises, I need to forgive and look for the lesson to be learned from the situation.

I also came across some writing about resistance. It was in relationship to change in a business setting, but I think it applies. All change is met with some form of resistance. Matter of fact, the more resistant we are, the closer we are to making a change. Growth requires stretching beyond our comfort zone. Just like exercise makes your muscles sore, because it is building and strengthening tissue. Abraham Hicks says that when we are caught in the momentum of a situation, it is best to go with the flow. It is when we try to “effort” ourselves, or try to fight the current, that we cause ourselves unneeded pain and suffering.

When I go in to get an infusion or a blood draw, I work hard to just breath and relax. I focus on the positive, and just allow and trust the nurse to do her thing. For the most part, it has made each experience easier and usually less painful. Matter of fact, my ease puts them at ease and allows them to relax and do what they have been trained to do with the least amount of discomfort.

Again, I am not proud that I had such a profound meltdown. It didn’t feel good, and I caused a lot of unnecessary pain for myself. If I would have allowed the fear and emotion to wash over me, recognized it, and just released it, I would have had a better time. If I would have just communicated what was going on with me, instead of getting embarrassed, shutting down, then looking for other parties to push blame on, I would have benefitted easier from the experience and all parties would have learned and grown in a more positive way.

The fact that it happened differently is really neither good nor bad. It is what I needed to experience at that time. It was where I was at on the path of my journey. I still learned an immense amount.

Again, of course if someone is abusing you on a regular basis or you know in your gut that you need to put some distance between you and someone else, do it. I have found that if you cut out someone because of an issue that you don’t want to deal with, sometimes it will show up again in a different relationship. Running away is easy. Staying and working through something might appear more difficult at first, but the benefit is so much more rewarding.

On Thursday, I will have my last infusion. My loved ones will be there with me. As much as I don’t look forward to the process of pokes and achy bones, this is my last opportunity to remind myself that I love me and that I am worth fighting for. My life has been enriched by this experience. The future holds nothing but positivity and light. I can’t even imagine all the wonder that I have in store, but I know that it exists.

I am not the same person as when I started. I hope that anyone who has to go through something like this would use it as an opportunity to get more in touch with themselves and use it as an excuse to determine what you really do want and go after it.

At the beginning, I was so afraid to share my thoughts and feelings with others. First, I didn’t know if anyone would really take an interest. The biggest fear was sharing my mistakes, or really admitting that everything wasn’t always okay. I heard a writer say that you only need three qualities to be a writer: something to say, the ability to say it, and the courage to do so…which is the most difficult of the three.

I hope sharing these stories really helps you out on your path. This isn’t the end; it is only really a beginning. Thank you for being a part of this journey with me.

The Ideal Relationship

Okay, I have been focused on love a lot. I know I have so much to learn on the topic that the words are pouring out of my hands. I want to grasp it, feel it. I want to taste the deliciousness of it. I feel like I have been preventing myself from tasting the juiciest, most decadent cupcake in all of the land.

Honestly, I do love pastry but the sadder part is that cupcakes represented the joy I was missing from life. A cupcake didn’t judge. It always looks cute. It doesn’t discriminate. My younger self would gorge on these items, which lead to weight gain, PCOS, and in all honesty…uterine cancer.

The problem is we often make fun of the fatty eating the cupcake. We don’t dig deeper to see what that means. For me it is the lack of love and acceptance I felt, which ultimately led to swallowing my sexual confusion and frustration down with pastry. It was a talent my father passed down to me. Seriously.

I crave pastry when I have gone awhile with out it. I can’t go a week without a cupcake. I have gone without sex for years. At one point, it was over a decade. When you are looking for an object to love, one that hasn’t betrayed you, one that has never made you feel worse, I look to the humble cupcake in all sizes, shapes, and flavors. My love is unconditional when it comes to this pastry.

I remember a great conversation with Alex and Max when I was explaining my love of all things cupcake. I could describe every aspect of the experience, from selection to devouring. They explained to me that the feeling of craving is exactly what they experience when they are hungry for intimacy with one another. As a self-professed prude, I didn’t think that eating a simple pastry could be as tantalizing as having sex. It made it almost feel dirty. They told me I needed to stop hoarding, and start sharing my cupcakes.

That judgment is exactly what I have to counteract when it comes to really trying to connect with a partner. Being intimate with someone is not dirty. There is nothing wrong. It is natural. Our bodies were made to express pleasure in the experience. Why we have demonized sex is beyond me. I bought it for so long. I drank the kool-aide. I just wanted to be a good girl. A respectable girl. Meanwhile, girls who were whoring it up and getting pregnant at young ages were actually better adjusted than I was.

No sense weeping over lost time, but it is time to get a handle on things.  I don’t have any more lady bits to be ripped out from neglect.

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When you really want something, you often have equally as intense emotions about not wanting it. This has confused me for years. I have had a paralyzing fear of being alone for a good portion of my life. All those years of feeling desperately alone in my bedroom, begging for someone to love me, didn’t set me up for long term mental health. I feared the lack of love so much, that I was obsessed by it.  Little did I know, you get what you think about, whether you want it or not.

On the rare moments where I felt love or attention from an adult in my life, I was so ecstatic that I became frightened by what lied on the other side. It is rational, or at least I was taught, that I should look out for the other shoe dropping. The vulnerability of loving and being so connected to myself created a fear of lack that morphed into foreboding joy.

Somehow I was taught that I had to find my worth outside of myself. When I couldn’t mold myself to be worthy in someone else’s eyes, I felt excruciating alone and disconnected. I stopped looking for objects to love, and I stopped hoping to be someone’s object of attention.

On occasion, someone would surprise me and shine a little attention onto me. As much as I felt excited, I became super paranoid. First, why would they ever hold me as an object of attention? I wouldn’t, so they must be flawed. If I got passed that, which was almost never, I had trouble relaxing into the acceptance of that attention, or desperately focused on not losing it. I would begin doing everything I could think of to prove to them that I was still worthy of their attention at even greater sacrifice to my self.

Some people could smell this desperation and milked it for all they could. There are people who are drawn to these situations because the pickings are easy. I was easy to control and manipulate. You could do it to get something, or do it for show.

Eventually, I released these people. I found other friends who made me feel so great when I was around them that I became terrified that I couldn’t live with out them. For these non-sexual soul mates, our relationship was filled with ease. Time flew by when I was around them. The stark contrast of how good I felt with them, made the darkness of my isolation when I was not around them seem unbearable.

I became so dependent on them to make me feel good, that I released any accountability on my part. I was an emotional leech. I would do anything for these individuals, but I couldn’t take responsibility for my own happiness. They loved me, but I was draining them.

When I was the object of their attention, I felt great. I felt fed. I felt love. I demanded that they kept focused on me, because when they let go…I was a puppet cut from its strings. They saw the crash and wanted to do anything they could to prevent that, but they knew they were killing themselves. No matter how much someone loves you, they will never be always available to you. It is impossible. Their mission on this Earth was never to be that for you.

This was a really difficult lesson for me to learn. As someone with almost no relationship experience, I was so emotionally unintelligent that I could understand what was going on. I just felt the pain from the lack of love and connection. It got so bad that these friends moved 21 hours away to restore balance. I am pleased to report that we are now closer than ever, but I couldn’t have done it without them.

Sometimes your worst nightmare has to happen in order for you to get the biggest a-ha. I believe that it wasn’t really meant to be this way. The universe whispers what you need to do all the time. When we don’t listen, the result can feel like that impact of a car crash on the soul.

So, back to finding a significant other.

There are so many reasons why I am so grateful that I haven’t met “the one” or others in my life. First, how many women are in their late 30s, discover they are lesbian, and are stuck in a bad marriage with children? It is more than you can imagine. If Law of Attraction states that you are matched to that which you are a vibrational match of, I am grateful that I have held off. I am sure in my depressed state I would have ended up in a miserable relationship.

On New Year’s Eve, Max asked me what I wanted most in life. I told him a relationship. On that night, he made me call it out into the universe and we actually talked about action steps for making it happen.

This year in particular, as I have grown and expanded on my journey, I have had a lot of close calls. In January, I dated a man who had every item checked off my Cosmo inspired husband checklist. He fit every expectation that I thought I had for my partner, but we met and he disappeared. It was spooky.

I was devastated for a while and took a break from looking again. I worked on myself. I found things to do that made me feel sexy. I tried to look at things in a less prudish way.  Shortly there after, I had the epiphany that I was most likely gay.

This realization opened so many doors, but I remember being discouraged because I couldn’t find as many ladies interested in dating as I could find men. I became impatient. I tried to force things on for size. I would talk to girls that I was not clearly attracted to. This felt like swimming upstream.  The universe knew I wasn’t ready and wasn’t yielding me what I wanted; I was dissatisfied.

I finally came across a lovely girl named Juliet.  She looked like a girl, not a man. I thought she was cute and went and saw her at a bar on the same night we were introduced to one another. She was younger, but more experienced. She had a bad childhood and rotten mother. She recently survived cervical cancer. She was smarter than hell and loved Shakespeare.

For everything that I found positive, I could find a negative. What I couldn’t ignore was that I felt the most like myself when I was around her. When I saw her, I knew she thought I was cute no matter what I wore. I didn’t have to try and be anything other than myself, and it felt great.

I started to see what people were talking about. Step one: coming together. We see only the positive aspects of one another. We see ourselves being vulnerable and true to who we are, and being the object of the other’s attention feels so good. We are both aligned with source on our own accord, and find ourselves even more aligned together.

Then, I started seeing things I didn’t like. I got judgmental. What would others think? Each item I saw and disliked separated me from her and my source. I held her responsible for how I felt. I knew I felt good before I saw it. The next thought becomes, she isn’t the one; I must go somewhere else where that thing that is displeasing to me is not present. In reality, that is nowhere.

The more I realized this, the more I felt like I was such a loser. I knew my problem had nothing to do with her. I was more honest with her than I had really been with any other partner, but I couldn’t keep the door of communication open. I was still questioning my worth, my homophobia, and my sexuality. As long as I was poking at my vulnerabilities, the more I felt like I had to protect her from me.

Hence, I took a break.

The momentum wasn’t flowing from ease. Besides, by now I knew I had cancer. There were a lot more fish to fry. I realized that it was crucial to keep people with the right energy around me, a positive one. I realized that part of my difficulty with Juliet was the fact that I sensed such negativity in her. It was the same negativity I had worked so hard to process in me. I knew that I didn’t want to revisit it. The problem was, I still wasn’t assertive enough to tell her what I felt. I was too concerned with people pleasing. I wanted to be polite, not honest.

Feeling a little stronger, I am ready to give things another go. I am the attractor of what I want and can attract it from anyone I want. I am in the process currently of picking out what I want. So here is the request list:

I am looking for someone already tuned in, tapped in, turned on. They already get it. They are already in alignment with source and won’t hold me responsible for how they feel. This is someone with a majority of things I feel at ease with. Not someone who satisfies me on every level because expansion is fun. This is someone who understands who she is and who she is expanding to be. She is eager about life and willing to keep up with what she is becoming.

I take responsibility for how I feel. I will focus myself on being in alignment with who I am so I can attract someone else who is in alignment. By learning to control my thoughts and take responsibility for my emotions, I can go with the flow and be deliberate.

We understand our own autonomy and can both be expansive without being joined at the hip. We can do our own thing and root for the one another. I will do my best to stay in alignment with source, but will not hold the other one responsible when I slip.

I like you pretty good. Let’s see how it goes.

I am going to only focus on positive aspects.

I want to go with my flow. I plan to go with my flow and I don’t hold you responsible for going with my flow. But, if we can make it easy to go with the flow together….there is nothing we can’t achieve.

And let’s not forget to share your cupcakes!

AGAIN…I am heavily influenced by Abraham Hicks.

Looking for Love In All the Wrong Places

I had an interesting conversation with Alex and Max yesterday. They made mention that while they were with me, that there were two separate occasions where I talked about being nervous or fearful.  In all honesty, that used to describe me all the time. For years, I kept telling them when I had anxiety over the next days’ activities or when I was fearful about the possibility of something happening.

One would think that a diagnosis of cancer would excuse such behavior. Anyone might be afraid when a doctor’ tells you that you have some rebel cells threatening your life, but I have learned this year that the energy spent on worrying is just wasted.

I have come to terms at the beginning of this year that the Universe wants me to know that all life is about feeling good. There is no part of this human experience that was meant to be miserable for the purpose of being miserable. If you accept that as a truth, why do we sometimes fear what is good? You don’t. You sense fear when you feel that you are contrary to receiving or experiencing that which you think is good. You are feeling bad at being in the absence of what you want, what is good.

Knowing that, I still have trouble with the idea that I am worth the good. I have gotten better at recognizing what I want, because I feel good when I see it. When I don’t feel good, it is a sign that it isn’t what I want. Now that I have a slightly better idea of what I want, I need to contemplate what the disconnect is when it comes to receiving it.

For me, I believe it is totally related to love. Who we are as humans is love. I have been trained to not see my worth by people who looked at me with disappointment because I didn’t make their world complete.

I remember feeling better about myself, having lost weight in high school, and starting to go out and experience new activities. My grades were great. Even my parents gave some indication of pride, but I always felt like I just wasn’t good enough. I didn’t have enough polish. I didn’t say the right things. I was a little awkward. My presentation wasn’t as sharp as I had hoped. I actually remember people telling me in college that they couldn’t wait until I came into my own because I would surely be something. This made me feel like I wasn’t enough the way that I was.

In middle school, I died to have big, curly permed hair. I would rat it for hours and uses ton of hairspray. By the time I got to the middle school dance, I felt my hair went flat and wasn’t as pretty as the long, straight hair of the pretty girls with mall bangs. Last night, Alex played with my hair because it isn’t going to be around much longer. He teased it and scrunched it. The smell of Aqua Net sent me back to those pre-teen years. When he finished, my hair resembled my 7th grade self. The photo of the most awkward year of myself featured this hair. As he and Max commented on how nice it looked, I reflected on how I have spent so much of my life running in opposition to this look. Yet, it was the most natural. The most me.

I would say during my high school and college years I was the most me. The turning point was when I was 13 and my church held a surprise birthday party for me at the Vacation Bible School at church. They got me a cake and someone gave me a gift of a hand made loom. It meant so much to me because my family didn’t really do anything for me on that birthday.

This act gave me joy and self esteem that transitioned into natural weight loss. The more weight I loss, the more I felt like myself. As I lost the weight, I pursued new passions. I inherited art supplies and volunteered at the Kalamazoo Institute of Arts for several summers. I began music lessons and joined a show choir. I studied Spanish and dreamed of studying abroad. I felt alive. I was super happy, and people would comment on how much energy I had.

During this time, you are bumping up against so many other people that are looking to get a piece of that source energy. You make them feel good, so they want to stick around. Then, they begin relying on you for their connection to source. Over time, it wears you down because you are unable to be that impossible thing they want you to be.

I used their feedback to train myself away from caring about my own alignment with who I am, with source. I became more concerned about their opinions than being true to whom I am.

When my mom was sick, all I wanted to be was the perfect daughter. I wanted to step up and martyr myself in order to make her well. This initially made her feel good, but she began to hold me accountable for when she wasn’t feeling good. No matter what I did, I couldn’t be what she wanted me to be.

After she died, I actually worked for the American Cancer Society. I really enjoyed the job and felt at times that I was my highest self when I was doing the work. It came with ease and I brought a lot of joy. When I started fearing that I needed to move up the corporate latter because I was fearful that my salary was lacking, I started heading into opposition. I became critiqued for not fitting into a box that they thought I needed to…and the discord poisoned the rest of my time there. This was completely compounded by the fact that some of the co-workers that I loved so much, were beginning to really rub me the wrong way.

The second that I thought my real problem was that I needed to be anything other than who I was, life became dark and bleak. Everything was harder. There was no ease and joy. I felt the more I martyred myself, the higher the rewards would be. I got sick. I was exhausted. I felt numb, and I became so depressed that I didn’t recognize who was starring back at me in the mirror. I have a series of pictures through my late 20s of myself in hairstyles that I don’t remember because I was so numb and self-hating.

Coming back to center means accepting that who I really am is love. When you love something, you align yourself with who you really are and align yourself with source energy.  If you think about an animal you love or see someone love deeply, they don’t really do anything specifically for it. A baby doesn’t come out of a womb doing a tap dance for your love. We love them because we are love, not because they are wonderful. It is natural to love.

When you are focused on someone and not loving them, your choice to push against them has you out of whack with your loving alignment. Jesus was to represent the love of the world. Even if we think we have a good reason, not loving something is actually hurting us, not them. If you are judging or limiting love from someone else, you are pinching off the supply of love to yourself. You are putting conditions on it, which means you are putting conditions on someone loving you.

We don’t say be loveable so I can love you. We love you. Be whomever you choose to be. Our love of you is not dependent on your behavior; our love of you is unconditional. It is delicious and natural in spite of what ever is going on.

A stumbling block to this is when someone feels the need to control this. When they see A and they feel love, then they see B and don’t, they believe that they have to kill situation B so they don’t feel the lack of love again. The idea that everyone has to do the same thing comes from people feeling better when they see one condition and worse when they see another. Believing if they could just control the conditions, they’ll feel better. The truth is that anyone who tries to control conditions to feel better always feels worse. You cannot control conditions; it is impossible.

It is in this flawed thinking that so often we are trained to just behave in a certain way, you will be loved. This keeps you distant from source; it keeps you from the spring of eternal truth. The whole time, you thought your inability to fit the mold was what was keeping you from being loved, but it was of you ignoring your own unique drum that was preventing you from feeling the love. The whole time you were soliciting others for their love, you could have easily changed to be singularly focused with much greater results.

How can you reverse this ship? The biggest lesson that I had to learn this year was how to take responsibility for how I feel. No one can make you feel bad, you do.  If we are source love, with the only real job in life to reach out and love others, start doing so. When you are having trouble loving, it doesn’t matter what your object of appreciation is, just that you have one. You can start loving things that are easy. Your favorite chair. Your animals. Your kids. The more you can focus on and be grateful for the things that you love, the easier it is to still remain in that loving place when you start looking at yourself.

Learning to feel this kind of love is like refueling your car. It connects you to all the energy you need to conquer what you want. It can almost make you feel invincible. When you feel like you get kicked off of the higher vibration of these thought patterns, you can take the responsibility for making yourself feel better. It is not filtered through anyone else. It doesn’t have an expiration date. The well of love is available at any time if you want to drink from it. It is ultimate well-being.

Another huge component to this is being able to release judgment when you or anyone else knocks you off of this high flying disk. I know I had relatives, friends, and co-workers who may have discouraged me or distracted me from being my best self. I have harbored great anger over this for years. What I have come to learn is that feeling hate or anger is rooted in my inability to feel like I can love fully.  I have had to really embrace the concept of forgiveness in order to release this. In the end, forgiveness is just withdrawing attention from that which is keeping you from being in the vortex.

Intention for today: Find objects with the intention to love.

Have you not checked out Abraham Hicks yet?

Law of Attraction

A few years ago, my best friends were living in Chicago. They called me and asked if I had seen the movie, “The Secret.” At that time, it was free on a website and most people hadn’t heard of it. As I watched this glossy, highly produced movie, the message was very interesting. – Our thoughts become things.

In the business of every day life, I wanted to believe in “The Secret” but it seemed like hogwash. My mind was running with a million negative thoughts a minute. How could I quiet my mind? Of course as “The Secret” gained in popularity, there was almost a backlash to it as well.

I knew that in order to be a better functioning human being…I had to stop getting caught in (what I call) downward spirals. Something would happen and I would beat myself over it mentally for minutes, hours, and days. This constant barrage of negative thoughts ate at my energy, my self-esteem, and my life. At the beginning of the year, I started to have a grasp on preventing my brooding.

Meditation can help quiet the mind, but you can use your thoughts in a positive, creative way. The movie, “The Secret,” is all about the concept of the Law of Attraction. Simply put, like attracts like. If you are constantly focused on the bad, bad will happen. The great news is that if you focus on the positive, on what you really want. You can manifest that as well.

I considered myself a poor manifester after I found “The Secret.” My belief in the Law of Attraction really was reinforced by seeing others, who subscribed to it, manifesting interesting things in their life. I had to really get a handle on my depression and quieting the death spiral of negative thoughts that were going through my brain before I could see how this would work for me.

After I was feeling a little better in January, I searched the internet for “The Secret” video and watched it again. It always makes me feel better when I watch it. I wanted to dig deeper. I tried manifesting checks in the mail, or even lottery winnings. Nothing really worked, but I chalked it up to doing it wrong.

After a search of “Law of Attraction” on Google, I came across a husband and wife couple that did conferences and talks on the subject. The business name is Abraham Hicks. It was weird to understand at first what was going on with them. I would watch YouTube videos of Ester, the woman, answering peoples’ questions on the “Law of Attraction” with such poise and authority. Latter, I came to understand that when she does this that she is channeling “Abraham,” which is a posse of spiritual leaders from the other side.

Okay, have I lost you? I can understand if I have. It is so hard to wrap our rational brains around someone channeling other energies or thinking what we think about makes stuff happen. Anyone that has had a negative thought might feel like they are destined for trouble. Religious people might think that this is all sacrilege. This is not the kind of stuff most people give any credence to.

Why did I start seeking it out? I know there is more to life than the pitiful experience I was living day to day. I felt like all I did was eat, sleep, and work. What was life for? What did it all mean? Why does bad stuff happen to me? I wanted to feel better.

The point is that we do have some control over our experience. We were born with certain interests. Our manifesto was to be ourselves. Unfortunately, we become socialized into the mainstream of this world. We are bombarded with messages from school, parents, church, television, radio, and now the internet, of how we are suppose to be and live. We are constantly seeking advice and reassurance outside of ourselves. Somewhere, what we want is pushed far into the back burner.

I thought adulthood was the end of dreaming. I thought the more responsibility you had, the more of an adult you were. If you weren’t where you wanted to be, you needed to work harder. If people didn’t like you, it was your fault that you weren’t nicer. You had to earn what you wanted.

Through listening to Abraham Hicks or any of the thought leaders on the Law of Attraction, you come to realize that this isn’t really the case. We do not have to earn our worth. Because we were born, we are worthy. Here are some of my other recent understandings:

When we were born, the Universe (or God) let us know that we were perfect in his or her eyes. Our only quest was to be as authentically us as possible. As children (in a perfect setting), we were allowed to pretend and imagine what we wanted for ourselves. We didn’t worry about being fed or having shelter, because the Universe provided us with everything that we needed.

Abraham Hicks explains that there is a Vortex that all of us have that contains the manifestations of everything that we have ever wanted. My Aunt April would have called it our ship (that may or may have not come in yet). Too often, we are told by society that there isn’t enough of everything to go around. The fear of scarcity prevents us from dreaming of what we truly want or believing that it could ever come true.

But, the Universe is a vibrational one. Everything we see or touch is energy. Like a magnet, the vibrations different items set off can attract like to like. The Universe is more powerful than we as humans could ever understand. It is as easy to manifest a billion dollars as it is to manifest a cold beer. Only in our brains do we set expectations that state otherwise. We like to see the tangible. We like certainty. We like reason. We often do not question all the expectations or thoughts that get put into our heads, so we limit our capacity to create.

I have huge issues with trust and faith. I am the type of person that has always believed that if something was meant to happen, that I had to figure it out. I also subscribed to the thought that bad things occurred as our “cross to bare.” This thought process made it easy to believe that if something wasn’t happening, that it was my fault. I believed that hardship is what we were sent here to experience. Our ability to endure burden in this life, would reward us in the next.

In reality, that is kind of bologna. The Universe wants only to give us what we want. It is only filled with never ending compassion and unconditional love. Just like Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge, we believe we know more than our creator. I don’t believe Adam and Eve were cast out of the garden because God was mad; it was because we thought we knew better. We disconnected ourselves from the source because we thought we had to struggle, and we were too embarrassed to be a hundred percent authentic.

In order to really begin the work, you have to surrender everything you think you might know. You have to release the judgment that you have placed on everything in your life. You have to start uncovering why you think about things the way that you do, and question whether or not that thought process is serving you. It is spiritual worth. It is valuable work. It is intangible, but it is the only work that has any value in this life.

Of course, these are realizations I have had after working though my own journey. I am by no means perfect, but I am so much happier now than what I was when I started. I guess I would tell you that increased positivity and enjoyment are how I evaluate that this is working.

So, what is it that one is suppose to do?

1) Ask for what you want.

Now, you can ask for anything, but I would caution you to think about whether you are asking because it is something you really want…or is it something you think you should want, or you want to use it to impress someone else, or it is tied to what other people think. I have found that it is really easy to ask for things you don’t really want, so be careful as to clarify.

You can ask by doing vision boards, clipping out stuff you want, journaling, or just thinking about it. There are a million different ways of asking. To increase your ability to attract it, ask when you are feeling great.

2) Wait for an Answer. Once you ask for it, let it go. The Universe has your order. Abraham Hicks says that this is the time were the Universe begins laying down the grid. It vibrationaly lines things up. Often times we are too focused on timetables, or forcing how things should be done, or expecting it in a specific package. If we keep our minds open, we might hear some divine inspiration to do something that might help our dream manifest. At that point, you should say yes to the Universe. It should almost feel like it was meant to happen, destined.

3) Be Willing to Receive. I have had a huge problem in my life accepting charity from others. This has crossed over into accepting attention, accolades, and gifts from others. Sometimes receiving is more difficult that giving. In order to get what you want from the Universe, you need to be grateful for what you have.  This is why so many people have started practices of gratitude. By being grateful for what you have, you are telling the Universe that you are willing to receive more. If you ask for $1000 and get $996, be grateful. Don’t bitch about the missing $4 dollars.

The Universe is always providing exactly what we need, exactly when we need it. IF you don’t believe in a higher power, and you are feeling alone in the world, it is really easy to believe that if you can’t figure out a solution, that you will be left alone and unloved on a street corner somewhere. The truth is, that is not how the Universe works.

So why does bad stuff happen?

I don’t know about you, but when I am in a negative streak…I can think about a million things and how they can all go wrong. As I am thinking about them, I can feel fearful, sad, angry…or just bad.

Abraham Hicks talks about an Emotional Guidance System. We were born with the ability to feel what we really want. When our emotions are negative, it is our notification that what we are witnessing or experiencing is contrary to what we want. When our emotions are positive, we are closer to being aligned with our true self, what we really want, what is most authentically us.

When we focus on stuff that makes us feel poopy, we are calling that stuff nearer to us. Now, our thoughts don’t manifest immediately…but they will manifest. When we ask for stuff that we want when we are feeling great, sometimes that will manifest a little quicker.

None of this is either good or bad, it just is. We are in the driver’s seat. We are the only ones in control of our thoughts. In order to be closer to what we want, we need to be a vibrational match to it. The vortex is on a higher disk of energy. When we feel good, we are closer to be a vibrational match to the positive stuff that we want. When we feel negative, we are a vibrational match to what we don’t want.