Spiritual Bad-Ass

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Recently, I had the opportunity to be interviewed by author Debbianne DeRose for her new Spiritual Bad-Ass Tv YouTube series. The series highlights a bunch of Spiritual Bad-Asses who have a lot to say in how we can all get in touch with our Spiritual Bad-Ass selves.

The interview was a chance to really put the message of this blog in a nut-shell. Being diagnosed with cancer is an opportunity. For me, it was a catalyst to discover who I really am and make a choice to live a more authentic life. In the process, I discovered self-love, self acceptance, and got in touch with my creative self – through the healing art of drag.

Please check out the video and podcast via the link below on Debbianne DeRose’s website:

http://spiritualbadass.tv/mimi-mackensie/

Trust

Leaving my job took some balls. I was raised in a home where you better just take what you can get and deal with it. Just think of all those people out there who are unemployed and/or homeless. You don’t want to be one of them do you?

We are conditioned to believe that we need to work hard for everything. If you are not exhausting yourself by the end of the day, you are capable of doing more. If you see things that you don’t like at your workplace, you are to shut up and keep your nose to the grindstone. Don’t stand out. Don’t be a target.

In your list of priorities, a lot of people might say they put “God” or their family first, but take a look at the time and energy they spend on things and work is really the their first priority. This is conditioned from a very early age. My parents both worked. My parents would justify their dedication at work as their method of supporting us. I could even almost understand it if their work really filled their passions, but it didn’t. They were distracted. Sometimes it was a pleasant distraction, but it didn’t really fulfill them.

I don’t recommend that people just quit their jobs when they get frustrated or angry. I do recommend that if you find that what you are doing is not serving you, to honestly consider trying something else. Let yourself be inspired to move towards that which brings you real joy and fulfillment. You might not even know what that means right now, but just asking yourself the question is a start.

One thing that I have gained is time. At first, when you are not used to taking time to be with yourself, it can feel unpleasant. Many people pack their day with activities to avoid being with themselves and dealing with their baggage. With the lack of activity, it is easy to hear your fear based thoughts and develop anxiety over the future.

I find that I have gotten better with this over the years, but there is always going to be a part of you that will have a foot in the past or a little concern over how what you are doing might be perceived by others. I have been working on focusing on myself and not giving a rip about what other people think. It is hard to not feel guilty about doing this because I have been taught that being “selfish” is a bad thing. Really, the only way you can thrive and help others is be being “selfish.”

When you allow yourself enough space to separate yourself from the noise of the world, you can focus on your needs more clearly. I have time to focus on what I am most curious about. I have time to follow my interests. This allows you to develop some clarity on who you really are.

Our journey on this planet is based on us wanting to learn and grow. It is supposed to be fun. Just the fact that we are here and breathing makes us worthy. If we are attracted to a way of life, or when we see something we authentically desire, the Universe says okay, it is done. Abraham Hicks says that our rockets of desire deliver our manifestations in a sort of vibration escrow until we raise our vibration to match our desires. We don’t have to necessarily have to be asking consciously, it is automatic. We determine what we really want in the contrast of our lives. What we need to do is to figure out how to raise our vibrations to the point of allowing.

My main focus in this time has been how to raise my vibration. How can I fill myself with more joy? As my self-worth has increased, I realize that I want to take care of myself better. I want to feel at my optimal. I want to tune my instrument so I sound better when I am played because I know that I am worth it.

As I look for ways to raise my vibration, I have also found myself working through old bad tape. I often find that when I visit with Max and Alex, I feel comfortable enough to start examining areas of my life that don’t feel as good. Sometimes this is just in a conversation, but I also meet a lot of my fears when we are dressing up in drag.

As you can imagine, it takes some balls for a man to dress up in women’s underwear and prance around in heels. Yeah, some queens make it look natural, but the truth is that you have to confront all the stereotypes and negativity that you perceive others to have toward your art. It questions your sexuality, your sanity. As an overweight girl who has identity issues of her own, it can equally be as scary.

When I relax and submit myself to the process, I have to often confront my own fears and insecurities. I have noticed that I am completely overly sensitive to touch. Yes, I have been celibate most of my life and I am sure that it plays a role. I haven’t been touched much as an adult, and I feel like I was often neglected as a child in the touch department. Touch might be a sensory overload. Still, when I feel overwhelmed, there is a more carnal fear. I worry for my safety and go crazy.

After a recent freak out, Max asked if I had ever been sexually assaulted. My immediate answer is no. I haven’t been kidnapped. I haven’t been raped. I didn’t have relatives touch me inappropriately, so no. When I think about when I might have had similar freak out sessions to touch in my life, there is a set of experiences that do come to mind.

In middle school, I was a fat awkward little girl. I had boobs before most of the other girls in my class. In some way, I must have also known that I didn’t like boys. I know I was a really easy target. Leave it to a hand full of guys on my bus to focus in on me. They called me “Titanic.” From the second I got on the school bus, to the moment I got off, I was harassed by these guys. I was often fondled by them, called names, had horrible pranks played on me, you name it.

It went on for three years. During that time, no teacher or school administrator ever did anything. I told no one. It was pervasive enough that I knew adults saw it happening. Their lack of interest in confronting them, only lead me to believe that the students had more power than the adults. I didn’t mention it to my parents, because they were big bullies to me too. My mom had told me previously that if someone was being mean to me, it was my fault. My father made fun of my weight all the time. I felt like they didn’t have my back.

As an adult, I feel I should be over it. I never thought of it as sexual assault, even though it had aspects of unwanted touch and coercion, because it wasn’t “bad” enough. I had assumed that these incidents were only meant to humiliate me. I attached my self worth to what they thought of me. I didn’t feel that they desired me sexually. Maybe I did ask for it by just being that ugly.

What I have come to realize is that it was abuse. The fear they instilled in me still lingers. I learned so well from my bullies that I became my biggest bully. I believe this is how other sexual assault victims must feel like.

My intention in telling this story isn’t to rehash the emotion of it, but to understand why my primary responses are what they are. I am trying to confront the old tape and you have to be able to look at that initial old tape honestly. I didn’t deserve to be teased. I didn’t deserve to be assaulted. Now that I understand that I am worth better treatment, I have to confront one key aspect of my damage: trust.

Trust is the faith that ultimately everything is coming out of a place of love. Fear can’t exist in an environment of love. We trust because we have to. We feel better when we do.

Too often, we let past experiences or the acts of a few people destroy our capacity for trust. I believe that most people show their true colors early, and it is okay to reserve our trust for people who have proven themselves trustworthy. But for those of us with huge trust issues, we can find people who we trust and still hesitate to give them trust because of our fear of being screwed over.

As Alex was draping me with some fabric for a dress, he took out sharp shears to trim off some of the access. The entire time I was filled with fear. I was terrified of being cut which makes it so much easier for one to cut you. Alex had made sure that his hand was in the way, so if anyone were going to be cut, it would be him. He made sure to be extra careful. Besides, he had done this before with success.

I trust Alex and Max more than I trust anyone else in the world, but I couldn’t surrender. The fear backed up till I couldn’t take it anymore and I exploded in tears and protests. I was overwhelmed by emotion.

Fear is incompatible with anything you really want. It is our emotional guidance system letting you know that you are far out of alignment with how Source views the situation. Yet, it can emotionally hijack you. Your body courses in all sorts of chemicals, endorphins and hormones. Your body resorts to the primitive fight or flight response.

You can just let yourself get enveloped in the situation and break off friendships or vow never to do certain things again to try an avoid an unpleasant response, or you can try to check yourself out of the emotion and try to examine it as a third person. When you know a response is crazy, and have the ability to stand back and really reflect on what is going on objectively. This process really helps provide one with clarity. I knew immediately what I did not want, so I can now see what it is that I do want and walk closer to it.

I have noticed that when I am fed and have been fairly stable up to this point, I can separate myself from the experience to mine the nuggets I need for growth. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have a melt down from time to time, but it shortens its duration and allows for a quicker and more long lasting recovery.

I used to not trust that I could have a mini-meltdown without alienating myself from others. I used to be so embarrassed and used these incidents as a way to shame spiral for weeks. Once you can establish that you are a good person, no matter what, and you have developed a team of people that you can trust to be vulnerable with, you can overcome what ever it is that you need to.

This experience led me to focus on an area that I want to improve in my life: trust. Although I know that I feel better while doing it, I am still not where I need to be to improve my vibration. Besides, I don’t want to live the rest of my life always being convinced that someone is around the corner, just wanting to screw me over. Life is too short to waste good energy on that.

I noticed something else from this incident. As I distrusted the process of the shears coming at me and the person behind it, I created the right atmosphere to deliver exactly what I feared. If my worst fear was being cut, my trembling only produced fear in the person trying to perform the act, which could lead to more mistakes. Really, what was the worst that could happen? Be cut? Even if I was, it wasn’t going to really hurt me. Some people knowing that they even feared this outcome would prevent themselves from even being in that situation. This might produce a temporary comfort, but missing out on the experience prevents one to benefit from addressing one’s fears and from enjoying the fruits of getting beyond the fear.

Aren’t we taught that we should always be striving for perfection? Anytime we fall short, haven’t we been taught that failure is the worst outcome possible? Aren’t we told that if we can’t do something perfectly, that we shouldn’t try at all? In reality, failure is the only way to find success. We often have to figure out what doesn’t work so that we know what does work. Great thinkers often produce 1000s of bad experiments, drafts, or products before they get the one breakthrough that changes everything.

People often say that they may have trusted someone or something and then one thing occurred that made them question their trust. Because their trust was no longer perfect, they decide that they have to refrain from trusting in order to preserve themselves. Their lack of trust just attracts more incidents to cement their distrust. It can create so much fear that people just cower in their beds.

What I am learning is that trust is the belief that, more often than not, the Universe is only interested in our well-being. Trust is excepting that the major energy at play in our life is on our side. Trust is believing that you are worthy and that we are all connected. Trust is believing that other people are for the most part good. Trust is believing that we are all connected. Trust is believing that what we are called to do, what we are inspired to create, is worthwhile. Trust is knowing that what you need in this life will be provided for you. Trust is knowing that the core of this Universe is love.

When we can accept this, when we can believe that we can trust, we relax. Things will happen organically. Life is easier. We enjoy ourselves more because we are not constantly looking over our backs. Our energy is free from being rerouted to counter fear. All of a sudden, we have an abundance of energy to focus on things that are aligned with our true power. We allow ourselves to become aligned with who we really are. We become aligned with our true self, which extends beyond our physical manifestation. We realize that we don’t have to fear death, because there is no such thing. Energy can be neither created nor destroyed. We are eternal.

Once you are more clear about who you are and why you are here, you can start to see others in the same way that Source views them. Other people are kinder to you. Your relationships become deeper. You learn to love yourself and others. You realize that there is more that unites us than divides us.

The trick is when you decide to have full faith in the Universe, and in yourself, do not lose it if you see a slight flaw. When someone you trust messes up, how can you learn to forgive? How can you learn from the contrast? The trick is when you trust, it needs to be unconditional. You need to allow room for us to be human, to make errors. Often, what we perceive to be a mistake is actually a good thing. Most things that happen in life are neither good nor bad. They are just a necessary part of the journey. Although we might not be able to understand the significance in that moment, often such incidents are meant to push us toward what we really want.

I trust that the best part of my story is still ahead of me. I trust that I am right where I am supposed to be. I trust that there are really no mistakes. I trust that no matter what, I will be okay.

Everything Always Works Out for Me

For some reason, I am a worrier. I come from a long line of them. I was trained from a young age to be nervous about all the possible bad things that could happen. Murphy’s law was always in effect. My father was always convinced that bad stuff only really happened to him.

When you spend three decades in this mindset, it is really hard to break it. I have fretted about almost ever decision I have made in life. Even when I make a decision, I will constantly second-guess it. This has made my life a living hell on more than one occasion.

When I knew that my doctor recommended chemotherapy and radiation after my surgery, it took me a month to figure out what course of treatment I wanted. I had a choice between a clinical trial and standard treatment, or even no treatment. I asked everyone for an opinion, and rarely would people give me their thoughts. Eventually, I just made a decision from my gut. Which is what was necessary, but it didn’t stop me from second guessing it.

I don’t know why people are wired to worry. It is a waste of energy. Somehow, I figured that if I focused on the problem and all the variables long enough, a solution would follow. I would careful collect data. How have other people done this? What is the current popular viewpoint? What is the viewpoint of those around me? With a million different ways to make a decision, how could I ever be sure that I was making the right one?

This was particularly worse when my self-esteem was nearly non-existent. I might have had an intuitive idea, but if it wasn’t backed by an “expert” or someone I trusted, it wasn’t good enough. There is nothing worse than to not trust yourself. That is why I believe I felt it necessary to worry. If I couldn’t trust my own answer to any problem, how could I ever trust any decision I made?

How could I get out of this perpetual wheel of doom? How could I keep from sliding down the spiral of shame?

First and foremost, worry is an extension of fear. Fear creates suffering. Suffering has evolved in humans as a tool to keep us searching for better options. It has helped us adapt to our surroundings and evolve. The problem is that humans start thinking that you have to suffer in order to change and grow. I used to be convinced that if something was bothering me, I had to sit in the discomfort long enough to get the motivation to change or come up with a solution.

In reality, the fear and suffering only made me less inclined to take risk. I was made only more skeptical of any solution, and I often thought that I might prefer living in the unwanted because the fear of trying the unknown might be worse. I was horrified about making mistakes. Not only was I set to be super judgmental of my actions, but I feared the judgment of others.

For the past year, I have been chipping away at this obstacle. My first step was taking an anti-depressant so I was chemically able to look at things in a more rational light. Secondly, I had to face my need to please. I had to stop caring what anyone else thought of me. That was a super difficult step. I had to say “no” to others and “yes” to myself. This only got easier as I worked on realizing that I am worthy. Just by being born, I am worthy. I don’t have to do anything to be worthy. If I make a bad choice, it doesn’t strip me from being worthy. Even if a posse of people considers me ugly, a loser, an idiot….that doesn’t make me any less worthy than them. I am, and have always been a “good” person.

Only after I could accept this, could I move on to change my old negative thought patterns. There are so many old tapes, old belief systems that we carry around in our heads. Often, they were recorded to help us out at some point. Once they have lost their effectiveness, they tend to hang out in the back of our mind instead of being thrown out. The process of changing them is challenging.

For me, I had to outline my new truth. Everyone and everything is a direct connection to Source, or the Universe. If the ocean was God, we are all a cup of God. We are all worthy of infinite love and acceptance no matter who we are or what we do.

I also began to really observe that we live in a “vibrational” reality. All matter vibrates at a certain frequency. We all are bound to the universal law of attraction. This law states that like attracts like. What ever you focus on persists. Our thoughts become things. This can actually be a horrifying thought. Anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer can tell you about bouts of thoughts that aren’t pleasant. If you believe thoughts become things, you start to focus on getting rid of bad thoughts, which only leads to more bad thoughts.

This is where I have come to terms with the belief and understanding that the Universe only wants what is best for us. We came into this human existence for the purpose of creating. We are on the leading edge of creation. By determining our points of attraction, we are creating an ever-expanding Universe.

It is like that pivotal scene in “The Never Ending Story.” Bastian, the young human boy, is left with the Empress of Fantasia and a single grain of sand left from the mythical world. She explains to him that the fate of Fantasia lies with him. All he needs to do is to imagine a new Fantasia, use his dreams to make wishes that will ultimately bring this world back to life. Of course, he is completely skeptical.

We have been told that “reality” is only what we see manifested in front of us. We limit ourselves from believing that we are ultimately responsible for the “reality” that we live in. The news, television, radio, and other messages thrown in our face indicate that the world is set up to be harsh, unpredictable, and dangerous. We are set up to distrust our neighbors. We are encouraged to fear the oncoming threats from a barrage of others. We echo a constant drum that forces beyond our control are working against us.

The true reality is that nothing is against us. There is neither good nor bad in this world. Everything is beneficial to the ultimate goal of creating more of what we want. When we stop blaming everything on everyone else, we can actually harness our real power. We are ultimately responsible for how we feel, what we do, and what we create.

What? I am responsible for getting cancer? In my case, yes. I lived in a well of darkness. I denied myself anything that brought me joy. I only reacted to the world around me, and refused to take care of myself because I thought it was more important to invest in what I believed others thought was more important.

I can look back and point out a million different ways I could have done things differently. There are times that I have even gotten down on myself for past decisions as idiotic, but I did the best I could with what I had to work with. Even if I made a decision that wasn’t wise, the lessons I learned through the failure only made me a better person. Hence, there really wasn’t anything that I did that was good or bad, right or wrong. It was just another step in the journey.

So, why do I feel bad?

Every one of us possesses a finely tuned emotional guidance system. Our emotions tell us how we really feel in relation to things. Unfortunately, I believe most of us have never really understood how to use it. It is actually amazing. Just like our sense of touch has evolved to help prevent us from burning our hand on a hot stove, our emotions can guide us toward what we really want.

Whenever you feel anxious, fearful, sad, or angry, you are actually pinching yourself off from Source. What? Let me explain it another way. God/the Universe/Source knows you. It is ultimately pure, unconditional love. Whenever we feel bad, it is an indication or how far we have pinched ourselves off from the love of God. When we doubt ourselves, when we second-guess the intentions of the world and our brothers and sisters, we are blocking ourselves from seeing and feeling the world as God sees it.

Another interesting point is that we are constantly making notes of what we like in the world. Every interaction we have fires off a point of attraction. It is different for all of us, and it happens whether we are aware of it or not. When we see things we do not like, it fires off a rocket of desire for what we do want. The more negativity we feel about something, the more we desire its opposite. This is the “contrast” we observe. When we are in the midst of people who anger us, jobs that frustrate us, and situations that overwhelm us, we are becoming clearer about what we really do want.

These desires are housed in an area called a “vortex.” Everything we have ever desired exists in this dimension and is available to us at any time. The problem is that this vortex exists only on our highest-level disc. In order for it to manifest in our reality, we have to raise our vibration to its level. If I want to listen to 103.3 FM, I will be disappointed when I dial in 98.2 FM because it is not the right frequency. Like attracts like. We attract what ever is at the same vibrational frequency we are on. If we are feeling grumpy, we are on the grumpy disc. During the day, people and situations that are on the grumpy vibration will be drawn to us.

So, how can I change my vibration?

You change your vibration a few different ways. First, quiet the mind. You reset the mind after you sleep or meditate. You do this by quieting the mind from thinking. If you hold any thought for as little as 17 seconds, law of attraction will bring a like-minded thought to build upon it. After several thoughts, you start building momentum in a certain direction. You can tell what disc you are on by the way you feel.

For instance, say you just woke up. Your mind is in good neutral territory. Try to stay focus on thoughts or actions that make you feel good or bring you joy. Observe things to be grateful for around you. Try to stay on your highest disc for as long as you can. Try to tune out any negativity: television programming, negative messages, fearful people, etc. If something happens, and you find yourself slipping, don’t get upset about it. Try to look at the positive, meditate, or take a nap. This is hard when you have been used to feeding your ego with negativity over the years, or serving up sob stories to everyone to build attention or look for sympathy. It is a new way of living, and it takes a while to learn how to stay focused.

Try to live in the present. Don’t worry about what is coming up, nor keep tormenting yourself with the past. We are all living on a river of ultimate well-being. Remember, the Universe knows what you want and the law of attraction is trying to get you to what you want on the path of least resistance. Our only responsibility is to have fun, don’t hurt anybody, and enjoy the ride. Many of us were raised to believe that the only way we can get anything we want is from hard work and struggle, but in reality it is the opposite.

Life is supposed to be fun. What we want can come to us through ease and joy if we just relax and let the Universe do the work. The Universe has built planets and stars, if we want a new car, it isn’t that difficult for the Universe to pull it out. The time between our rocket of desire and manifestation is the time needed to fill in our grid. I see this as the Universe putting what ever is necessary to make something happen into order. The less resistance we have toward what we want, the faster this process can happen.

Trusting in this process is difficult. Our first instinct is to “effort” our way to what we want. We beat our heads against the wall, trying to figure it all out. We don’t have to figure it out. We don’t have to get to the bottom of a problem; it isn’t our job. I have heard it compared to being dropped off in a river on a boat. We want desperately to do something, thinking it will help what we want to manifest come quicker. The second we start “efforting,” we start trying to paddle against the current. Nothing we want is upstream. If we just relax and focus on what brings us joy, the momentum of well being from the Universe will deliver us directly to what we want on the path of least resistance.

Afraid that this process of “allowing” is lazy? It is. Think about it. Everything we have been told in our society is wrong. Lazy can be a good thing. If we focus on quieting the mind and softening our resistance, the Universe can speak to us in inspirations. We might get an idea, have an opportunity present itself, and because it is divinely inspired…it appears and is executed with ease and joy. It isn’t work. It is enjoyable.

What if we are caught up in a sweep of momentum, and you are afraid it isn’t going in a positive direction? When I started to go to the doctor to figure out what was going on with me, it seemed like I was on an automatic roller coaster ride. First I needed an ultrasound, than a biopsy, than a scrape, then surgery. It would have been very easy to get caught up in fear and negativity. I, instead, made the unusual choice (for me) to just go with the momentum. I understood that the Universe only had my ultimate well being in mind. I just had to trust in that and relax and let the Universe work on my behalf. Ultimately, I would up okay and feeling better than I had in years.

What if I died? Well, aren’t we all going to at some point? Besides, I believe that death only puts us at one with God’s love. It is the ultimate reset button. You don’t need to fear death. Everything you are confronted with in this life was done with your well being in mind. Relax. Enjoy. Be present and witness the glory of God.

If you decide to give this a try, decide how effective it is based on how you ultimately feel. I love my life so much more since I have changed my mindset. If I hadn’t, I might as well have died because I was so miserable. Some people may think you have lost your mind. So what. You will draw better friends to you who get it and help you enjoy your journey or keep you pointed in the right direction.

I went from someone who hated the journey, who always wanted to get to the end of a project as fast as possible, to someone who is actually enjoying the path more than the destination. There is so much to see, to do, and to enjoy in this life. I have also enjoyed seeing my rockets of desire come to fruition in the most creative ways. You might think you wanted something a certain way, but if you remain open…you might see your desire manifest in ways that are far better than anything you could have imagined.

I have also come to realize that life will constantly test you on your ability to stay focused on the positive. I listen to Abraham Hicks and other spiritual leaders on a daily basis to keep centered. I also have amazing friends who can help me conquer trouble when it comes up.

If you try to capitalize on the law of attraction, you will on occasion have moments of true clarity. It is in these moments where I can look at everything that has happened in my life and realize that it all makes complete sense. Nothing that has happened in your life was without a purpose; it is all worthwhile. It is in these moments that you can sit back and truly say, “everything always works out for me.”

 

New Beginnings – A Time of Action

I am learning to realize that the one thing that you’re the most fearful about is probably the thing that you should face and release. You are already thinking about it, so you are creating momentum about it. Sooner or latter the universe is going to give you what you want.

As I realized that I had cancer, I had to laugh at some crazy coincidences. I was born on June 27, so my sign is Cancer. As a child, in the summer I was trapped in my home without adult supervision daily. I would get lost in St. Jude marathons and worry about those bald headed kids that where sure to die. My mother battled colon cancer for two years before passing away at the age of 56. My father got the exact same cancer. I worked for the American Cancer Society for five years.

When I was diagnosed, I did something that I had never done before. I only started to focus on the positive. I changed my thought patterns, found my self-worth, and built a bubble of love around me. I raised my vibration. As Abraham Hicks states, it is really the only thing we should focus on. Let the Universe pull together the rest. I just began to trust. Trust that I was put here on the planet to have fun, learn, and love. Nothing in this life is meant to be against you. The Universe, your spirit guides, all that lives and breaths is behind you, supporting you.

I knew after my surgery that I was going to be okay. I was loved. Everything was for a reason. Even though I still go through those darker periods on occasion, I have never been as depressed as I was before this all happened. I came close to it last week because I began to judge myself. The second you let expectations and judgment enter your reality, it is easy to get bumped off your high-flying disk.

Sometimes you feel reluctance to do something for a reason.

Your internal guidance system lets you know if you want to attempt something before you are ready for it. I used to judge myself as lazy when I got this feeling, and plowed through whatever I thought needed to be done, just to be done. I thought this was one of the key characteristics of being an adult. I also assumed that being an adult should suck.

This never really worked out well. I often resented doing what I was reluctant to do. Sometimes I thought that if I martyred myself enough, someone would see and praise my sacrifice. Nine times out of ten, people wouldn’t notice (which would make me even angrier) or I would brush off their complements and accolades.

If you can wrap your brain around the fact that you are a vibrational entity, that is connected to source directly, and the vortex of anything and everything you want is available to you if you can just match its vibration…..you can embrace your internal guidance system’s warning that you are not ready to move on yet. I have heard Abraham Hicks refer to this as waiting for the grid to fill in. You don’t have to do anything to speed up this grid; the Universe has the manifesting covered. All you need to do is soften your resistance, and ride the boat downstream. Nothing you want is ever upstream. Raise your vibration by doing what brings you happiness and joy. Trust that the Universe has your back.

For a control freak, who was raised to believe that you hard to work hard and sacrifice for everything you get in this world, it took me years to understand this. Even when I finally got it, I still sifting through negative thoughts. I knew that my Emotional Guidance system was in place to let me know that when I felt bad about something. I was firing off rockets of desire in the opposite direction. It only helped clarify what I wanted, but it still would scare me.

One of the ways to actively work through fear is to confront it. Calling the mortgage company for me was extremely tough, even if it isn’t for someone else. If I start to feel my throat close up, and I don’t want to tell someone something because I am afraid of upsetting them or embarrassing myself….I now know that I just need to do it. If I do it right away, I feel so much better. If there is a rough patch that develops, immediate attention prevents permanent scars.

I know this. I have become intimately aware of this principle, but I still find myself choking up. Sometimes my body will grind to a halt and not want to function. I may have missed the opportunity to speak up. That doesn’t mean that the opportunity for positive confrontation has passed. Focus on improving your vibration. When you feel better, just strike while the iron is hot.

I talked through everything with Alex and Max for weeks before I gained the courage to face my fear and call the mortgage company. It got my mind right. I worked on treating myself with kindness and understanding, instead of belittling my perceived flaws. I watched others do courageous things, and took courage from their demonstrations. I listened to nothing but positive and affirming programming. Finally, I realized that I had the least resistance in the morning when I got up. One day I just got up and did it before I lost the courage to it.

I am not saying that this is an easy process, but I feel like I grow by leaps and bounds when I do it and feel so much better. Inspired action feels good. It feels easy. Often, it also indicates that the best possible outcome may be achieved as well. Make decisions out of love, not fear. Don’t second guess yourself once you have decided.

I think being diagnosed with cancer was something I had dreaded my entire life. Once it happened, I was able to say been there, done that. It wasn’t so scary. Now I can focus on what I want in life instead of what I don’t.

Who Am I, Really?

A big part of this last year has been trying to get real with the real me. Up to 2012, I was a miserable single lady. I felt so left behind by my friends who married and had kids. I didn’t want it, but at the same time I felt undesirable because I wasn’t a part of it. For decades, I repressed any sort of sexuality. At first, I thought I was too fat or unpretty to be hit on. I then convinced myself that I couldn’t force anyone to love me so I should focus on only that which I could control. I overbooked my schedule and worked myself to death to avoid sitting with the real me.

I believe with all of my heart that my cancer is directly related to my dis-ease with my sexuality. I repressed every urge. I shied my eyes away from anything sexual. I took comfort in knowing that porn didn’t turn me on. In some ways, I just thought I was above such desires. The life of a nun looked interesting. I didn’t have to submit to anyone. I wasn’t caught up in a wash of confused emotions related to pleasure or sex because it wasn’t even on the table. In the end, I was just miserable.

I don’t know why sex was such a negative topic for me. I grew up in the church and knew that good girls didn’t do that. I believe my mother was abused. She instilled in me a level of distrust in men…which I didn’t really believe, except when it came to sex. I scared myself silly about STDs. I vowed to never get accidentally pregnant, because who wanted to deal with that?

Even though, I heard that sex was supposed to be awesome, my first time wasn’t really anything to write home about. I kept thinking, “Is this what everyone is in such a hissy about?” I was relieved to not be a virgin at 19, but then I was concerned that it was a slippery slope to slut hood.

This whole time, I strived to be a lady. I traveled around the world. I bought clothes, shoes, and make-up to try and be prettier, more presentable. I went into debt trying to buy things to fix me. I never understood why I couldn’t stick to beauty regimens. I got tired of trying to make myself look pretty, because it was never going to happen.

In reality, the only thing in my way was poor self-esteem, or was it?

Now that I am bald, I have actually not worn wigs a lot. I do like to put them on occasionally, but I prefer a hat or a hoodie. I don’t mind dresses, but I gravitate to pants, t-shirts, and hoodies. My excuse for not having a more diverse wardrobe is money, but it really isn’t that at all. I like the comfort of what I am wearing.

When I flipped the switch and came to the conclusion that I am attracted to girls, I immediately thought of myself as wanting to be more of a lipstick lesbian. How cute is it for two girls that look like girls to be into each other. As I looked through lesbian profiles, I saw more manly girls and felt instant disdain. If I wanted a boy, I would just go for a boy.

Being bald, people just look at you differently. Immediately, they assume that I am a boy. I have been called “sir” more times in the last month than I could care to admit. It doesn’t feel good. First, I attach it to looking ugly. I must be a “handsome” woman. Secondly, I feel that mistaking me for a man must immediately make someone believe that I am transgender. I don’t want to be a man. I don’t want to grow a beard. Whatever! I have been sensing a feeling that the boys suspect some level of gender bending in me. I feel they are intently listening to me to find an “a-ha” moment..

Some how, the topic of going to a strip joint came up. The boys thought it would be a learning experience to take me to one and get me a lap dance. I felt myself immediately throw up walls. A girl can’t go into one of those places. I would be so embarrassed. I feared the boys would get off on my embarrassment and ride it for entertainment. What if I wasn’t attracted to them? What if I was? Instant fear shut down my entire system.

It leads to a very interesting conversation. What am I afraid of? Do I think strip clubs are morally wrong? No. Do I think the girls are skanky or sluts? No, actually, I think I admire them. I love dancing. I love the female form. It is like a show with beautiful topless women in it. Alex downloaded pics of the club; it was plush, dark, and full of red velvet. I actually love that esthetic. Alex and Max could visualize how awesome this could be for me, and I instantly wanted to hate them for it. They offered to hold my hand, come in with me; they promised that wouldn’t push me past my comfort level. Something in side of me was just fuming. I was facing meltdown. I could see exactly what they were seeing, and totally agreed with it, but there was another part of me that was grossed out.

The biggest emotion was embarrassment. I was embarrassed to be a girl liking girls. I was embarrassed to think that I would be in a situation with such sexual stimulation, that I thought I would get overwhelmed and just die. I didn’t want witnesses to see me meltdown and be so vulnerable. It was so polar opposite to who I thought I once was, or who I once tried to be. There was immediate shame. The emotions were almost enough to shut me down completely, but I was used to this pattern of behavior. As I was internally freaking out, I felt like I stepped back and try to examine the meltdown in progress. I could hear Alex and Max, but I refused to look them in the eyes. Still, I held open a doorway to hear the truth.

In reality, it is a perfect idea. No relationship commitments. No touching them. Dark. Visual. As Alex called it, it is live action porn. As much as I love scantily clad women dancers, I am positive I would enjoy the experience. I understood that it was a great idea, I just couldn’t bust through all the baggage. Part of me had never thought of it before, and was in denial that it was even a possibility. It was like a whole new world had sprung open. Another part of me felt all the shame, damage, guilt, immorality, and embarrassment of the situation.

Obviously, these same hang-ups must have an impact on my ability to find a girlfriend. In some ways, I have confronted so much and am open. In other ways, I am still completely pinched off from my sexuality. Thank god I learned to masturbate. I have a prescription to do so at least twice a week from my radiation oncologist to help combat the collapse of my vagina from the radiation. I think a bigger part of the problem is that I still don’t know exactly where I fall on the spectrum.

Abraham Hicks says that the first part of the Law of Attraction is that we send off rockets of desire every minute of every day. Just being in our environment, we can’t help but log our desires. The difficulty is in the allowing. We create so much resistance, that our grids can’t fill in. We can either choose to allow what we are attracted to in our lives, or we can revel in the absence of what we want. The Universe is just waiting for us to soften our resistance.

If I take out immediate judgment, whether it be my own or that of others, an interesting pattern emerges. There is not any really new information, I have known this for some time, but there is openness to the information and an understanding if I can keep the judgment at bay for just long enough to get a clearer picture.

I have always been attracted to boy stuff. I have always been a sort of tomboy. I grew up through the late seventies and eighties. Nerdy boys had so much available to them. I always asked Santa for Matchbox cars, or the entire catalogue of Star Wars toys. So many times, my efforts to lay out these desires ended up with a pink radio in the exact same model as my younger sister. My hair would be matted. I wouldn’t sit still for my mom to brush it out. I loved playing soccer with the boys at lunch during elementary school. When I asked to play in a league, my mother instantly shot it down.

These preferences continued as I got older. My best friends were often boys. I was always considered “one of the guys.” I relished blowing people’s expectations of girls out of the water. When a guy at a retail job that I worked at mentioned that girls weren’t strong enough to start one machine, I instantly proved him wrong. I like tools and am interested in DIY shows. I sat in a circle of all men in Japan, at my brother’s wedding, and drank brandy along with them. I have always been interested in a man cave. I have an affinity for the image of the old bachelor in “My Fair Lady.”

Still, I have no desire to cut off my tits and take testosterone. I love to get gussied up as a pretty girl on occasion and flirt. It is like a cat playing with a mouse, killing it, and not eating it. I could see myself golfing. I love Seth MacFarlane. Family Guy is a comedy treasure. I watch “Jackass” movies on opening night. Seth Rogen and I could hang. I even loved the movie “Ted.”

Again, none of this is shocking to me. I have known it all of my life. I guess the problem lies in the fact that I have been judging the fact that I have liked it all of my life. I realize that my concept of what is expected from a girl is different. I fear being judged as an ugly but not enough to repress it as far down as my sexual identity.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. Really though, is there anything I am suppose to do? I think it is just another layer of understanding. It is the peeling back of another onion layer and reminding myself that I am perfectly okay just as I am. I don’t have to worry about slipping off some slippery slope. Getting real with myself doesn’t mean that I will put myself in any actual danger. The Universe has my back. Nothing in this life is meant to hurt me or punish me. I don’t have to define myself by the stereotypes and judgments of others. The only person I really have to listen to is myself.

I don’t have to do anything other than follow what comes with ease and joy. Life is too short to live like a zombie. Maybe that is why there are so many zombie things. Don’t too many people medicate and choke down what they thing they are suppose to do every day instead of just living true to themselves? I refuse to live in autopilot because it is safe. There is so much more to this existence if we can stay true to who we are.

Overcoming the Disconnect

Life gives you a lot of opportunities to learn lessons.

The beginning of this week wasn’t bad, but I was definitely not on my highest flying disk. I know that I had slipped off after my hair was cut, but I couldn’t figure out what to really do about it. Monday came and I had to do a bunch of errands to pay some bills. It felt good to take care of some things that I had been neglectful of taking care of, but it left me with less than forty bucks to stay a float for two weeks.

Money has been a sore spot for a while. I have been so lucky that my school has had my back while I am out on leave. The union has been paying for my short-term disability. I am so grateful that they have my back, that I feel horrible when I feel like I am coming up short.

Like most cancer patients, I am sure a lot of us weren’t in a good spot financially before we got sick.  I was laid off and unemployed for a few years. How I was able to keep my house? I still don’t know. My bank account is in the perpetual red. I haven’t had money to buy clothes or shoes in years. All those times I bitched about money when I was younger, seem stupid to me now.

Anyway, whenever I pay what bills I can…I sometimes see the rest of the obligations I have and feel like a loser for not knowing how I will ever be solvent. Sometimes I don’t even know where to begin. It can be another cause of slipping off a high flying disk.

Of course, if you listen to the Law of Attraction advice, one of the best ways to stay in a place where you don’t have money is to focus on what you don’t have. So, for now I am trying to stay really grateful for what I do have…which is a lot when you think about it.

Yet, this little mental mind jockeying combined with a little self-conscience about my hair and nerves about getting a second infusion this week made life a little blah. I tried to make it a point to do some activities for fun, but I was thrown for a big curve ball on Wednesday.

I got home Tuesday night to find that my furnace wasn’t working. I knew there was no way I could afford a repairman, and my father is not always good in these types of situations. I covered up in every blanket I could get my hands on and found a way to sleep through the night. Michigan was getting cold. I could hold out for a few nights, but it isn’t like I could go through the whole winter without heat.

When I got up the next day, I had an appointment for a free massage. As I drove out, tears just streamed down my face. What was I going to do? I had to try and see if my father was interested in helping, but I hated the idea of asking him for money again.

I used my massage to calm me down. I was so sure that he would shoot me down that I knew that I had to reframe my thinking or I would get exactly what I feared. My energy and vibration lifted. I drove back home to find two packages and two cards in the mail. I had signed up with a group of Chemo Angels. Each cancer patient is assigned two angels who would send cards and letters to lift their spirits while going through treatment. It was an unexpected surprise from strangers. I opened them up and let the awe of knowing that these people really cared about me wash over me. I believe the massage earlier helped me to receive these gifts.

After I felt a little cheered up, I called my father. He asked me how I was doing and I said I wasn’t great. I told him about the furnance and he went into a mini tirade about bills and him being broke. I found myself begin to sob…I couldn’t even ask him for help. I felt so bad for needing help. I think he was thrown for a loop and kicked in saying that he would take care of things. It felt like he finally understood that I needed him to act like a Dad who knew his daughter needed help.

I love my father. I took care of him when he was diagnosed with cancer. I became his sudo wife when my mom died. I hung out with him a lot. Sometime after my sister decided to move back from Virginia, I began to distance myself from him. I spent so much time with him that I felt like I couldn’t have a life. I had taken a loan out for school before he got sick and used it to live on when I took a leave of absence to take care of him. When I became unemployed, I couldn’t pay the loan. This kind of became a sore spot. The funny thing is, he had just paid for my sister’s wedding and it was the same amount.

Now that I have faced the fact that I am a lesbian, I have trouble feeling like I am nothing but a big disappointment to him. In some ways, I am sure he already knows. Still, the dream that I was following for most of my life was one that I knew would be acceptable to him. Have a great job, a guy, maybe some kids. Be an upstanding citizen. Go to church. It was the path I am sure everyone feels like they are suppose to follow. The problem was, it was never my path. It is what I thought I needed to do, not what I wanted to do.

Still, I feel like staying true to myself is like becoming an embarrassment to him. Would he still be proud of me? Would he think less of me? The pain in having these questions answered is what keeps me away along with the fact that the reason I don’t drive out to his house is because I don’t have enough money to pay for the gas.

The boys are well aware of this dilemma I have with him. Max was getting pissed off because I didn’t want to ask my father for help in the first place. He was rather short with me during that day and than invited me over. Max apologized for getting frustrated with me, but he said that he saw me slipping into old patterns and it was pissing him off. Part of the reason why my father would get pissed when I called him in an emergency is because I never tell him what is really going on in my life. I have shut him out and it put Alex and Max in a strange position. It puts them in a place where my father would feel animosity toward them where it wasn’t necessary. My desire to protect my father from any obligation toward me is what makes him feel bad. The point is he wants and deserves to know me more and I am the one who is hiding, avoiding any display of the true me.

In order for me to continue to grow on this path, I need to be authentic and vulnerable in all areas of my life, not just with the people and places I feel most comfortable being it. Of course, the thought of being that way with my family was excruciating. So, the boys told me that they wanted to see my father at my infusion appointment. Immediately, I thought no way. First, how would you like to be tethered next to someone you have been hiding from for 6 hours with no way out? They said, maybe he needs to see his daughter hooked up to IVs and bald to understand that I am human and vulnerable. Maybe he needs to feel like he is contributing to my emotional needs and not always the financial ones. Maybe he still needs to know that I need my Daddy.

As the Universe usually knows how to manifest these things, my sister decided to spend the night in my cold house. Maybe to get away from her husband, maybe to feel like she was giving me some support. She took me to my appointment and drove back to my house to meet the furnance guy. She had already scheduled my father to come a little latter, but the furnance guy was done and gone before the original appointment was scheduled to even start.

I did my labs and met with my doctor per usual, without my posse with me. I knew that someone would join me at the infusion room, so I wasn’t too worried. They started with the pre drugs and I got a little sleepy. When I woke up, my father was there. There is a one person maximum guest policy in the room. He had brought me some lunch. It was nice to see him there. The thing is that I do enjoy my father’s company. We are buddies. I don’t have to say all the shit that is on my mind. What he needs to know is that I still enjoy his company and I still care about what is going on with him and his life, just like he wants to be a bigger part of my life.

We hung out for three hours, and my brother showed up from out of town. It was a pleasant surprise. They swapped out and had a great time. It was one of his last vacation days and even though he was having car problems, he still made it over. I got a beautiful picture from my nephew, and my brother made me into a zombie with a Walking Dead app on his ipod.

My brother suffers from the same painful lack of vulnerability that I have. We totally got it from our parents. We are so busy trying to keep up appearances that we kill ourselves a little bit. I have had a Renassance, and I feel like he may be on the verge of one soon as well. I believe that part of the mix needs to be us sharing what we have been feeling and doing with one another. The thing about sibblings is that we are genetically connected and we carry the same family drama and tropes from childhood. We can use each other to heal from those wounds so we can live more fulfilling lives.

When the infusion was through, I had my brother drop me off at Alex and Max’s. That way, I had someone to watch me until I feel a little more comfortable being alone. While my brother was there, I could feel him completely open up. We shared our drag videos with him, my recent art work, talked about all kinds of things and just saw him relax and unwind. He didn’t feel like he had to be anywhere or answer to anyone for a while. The release of responsibility is sometimes a bigger vacation than a trip around the world.

When it was time for him to leave, I basked in the day that I had. Just 24 hours earlier, I had dreaded the idea of what would happened…but now I realized it was exactly what needed to happen. In order to really heal, I need to be me. I need to have my family in my life.

The boys and I had some great conversations. We are a unit, maybe a dysfunctional one. I don’t have to worry about losing Alex and Max, but we do need to open ourselves up to more people and more experiences in our lives. We had been doing it, but when I slipped up…they got tripped up too. One of the favorite places for me to be is in their presence, but they made a good point as to say that I need to feel like I can achieve the same amount of happy with them as without them. My enjoying my house, my family, new friends, and/or new experiences should not suffer because I am afraid of not having it with them. In reality, having a great time without them is giving them a gift. The same goes for the two of them. They should be open to having experiences by themselves individually, or even together with out me. It is what fuels us and makes us enjoy each other even more when we are together.

It is not as if I didn’t know this, but I had always assumed that they placed it on my head like I was the desperate one. In reality, they told me that it is as hard for them to do things without me as it is for me to do them without them. One of the biggest ways I could help out is to be more assertive. I need to not be always available to them. I should voice my opinions more and take my leave when I know that I am drained as opposed to when I think they want me gone. They had become as dependent on me as I was on them. This had served us well recently, but now we want bigger returns on our growth journey and this is the next step.

It is not meant to be sad, it is meant to be expansive. This is what can get us to our next level of success and enlightenment. We have filled out trivial pursuit pie hearts with our pieces to an overflow capacity. Yet, there are still empty spots waiting to be filled with the contributions of others. We can’t do that for one another.

Because of the love I was feeling from everyone, and the increasing amount of a-ha moments, I have to tell you that I felt very little pain from my infusion. Even yesterday I felt great. And, as a big surprise, I got another visit from my whole family. Unannounced, they showed up to check on me and we even went out for dinner. I can’t tell you the last time that happened. Instead of feeling put out, I really enjoyed it. I even let my father drive my car for the first time. Not because I wouldn’t let him drive it, but because in a round about way he asked to.

It gives me hope that new beginnings are starting. The hierarchy and false pretenses of the past may be finally falling away. Maybe this whole cancer journey was just a catalyst to make these important life changes, a huge moment to stop the crazy spinning of what we perceive life is (work, work, and little play) and focus on our truth, our love, and our path.

Helping a Friend

I have been feeling so good recently. I am feeling loved. My body feels good. My mind is so hopeful and enthusiastic. Being on the high-flying disk is a radical experience. I am finally comfortable being me, authentically me. The pain of self-judgment melts into the comfort of self-acceptance. For someone who has spent decades feeling so bad, this joy is ecstasy.

Still, no one can be in this place always. I think the more accountability you hold for your own emotions, the easier it can be to stay. I have heard over and over again that people join you at the vibrational energy you give out. Sometimes when we are in extended relationships with family members or loved ones, what holds us from changing is incompatibility of the vibrational energies.

Alex and Max, again, have been with me from the beginning of this year. They probably even started the ball rolling on this year of releasing judgment. I remember Max, in particular, talked about the excruciating desire to change our lives and that they wanted me on the bandwagon so I wouldn’t get left behind.

It sounds selfish, but I think it was one of the most loving things anyone has done for me. I love you. I see our current path heading to undesirable outcomes. I have to change this pattern for me because I know the joy that is behind it. It is my deepest desire that you take that journey with me. To participate in it. To embrace it. If you can’t, I love you so much as to let you go so you can find what you need in life. But, my deepest desire is that you stay right here with me so we can expand together.

All three of us have progressed so far. We have found aspects of ourselves that have truly inspired us and brought us joy, but we have also felt the feelings we have kept in order to hide these aspects from ourselves. We are all becoming much closer to who we really are.

I believe that this process has been radically sped up because we are doing it in unison. When each of us experiences a breakthrough, it inspires the rest of us. When someone experiences a set back, we all learn from it.

This week in particular, I was feeling great. I attribute one night in particular to a magical experience. For someone who has always questioned what she really wants, visions were coming fast and furious. I had an inspired day of writing. So much seemed to be going my way.

When I saw Alex and Max latter that day, I couldn’t hold back my excitement and joy. I was so filled with positive energy that I thought they must be flying as high. I attributed them to the cause of my feelings, why not?

They both stated that they were having a difficult day. Max had woken up late and was beating himself up for not accomplishing stuff on his to do list. Alex and Max live an existence where they don’t have to keep a normal schedule. They don’t work desk jobs. Still, the pull of society is that everyone goes to work at 9am and gets off at 5pm; good people get to sleep by midnight, really tugged at Max.

Alex refers to this as “hall monitor” syndrome. Whenever we were having a great time, there would come a point where Max felt he needed to act like a parent in order to get the kids to behave. He was the oldest in his family, and often felt like he played a parent to his younger sister.

Max is not a boring, lifeless person. He is one of the kindest, more compassionate and caring people that I know. In recent years, when he starts feeling the need to play the “hall monitor” or if his blood sugar is getting low, he can become pointed.

Before, when he made these switches, it killed me. As someone who barely had any self-esteem and felt like they had even fewer friends, when my best one bit back it ruined me. Sometimes it would for days. If the person I loved more than anyone else could treat me that bad, why should anyone else?

I often would never say anything to Max about how I felt when these incidents occurred. Having experienced my parents’ blowouts growing up, I learned that the best course of action was to shut up and hide.  Often, it took Alex to point out to Max that his mood was elevated.

As I began to release the disease to please and recapture my voice, I learned that I had to confront Max during these times. It was so horrific at the beginning that Alex would often have to sit us down to work it out. As I became more honest and assertive, I felt these attacks less.

One of the things we all learned about was the power of blood sugar. All three of us are insulin resistant or diabetic. Back in the day, Alex would hit low blood sugar, step out of a car, and demand to walk home.  When I had it. I would get incredibly weepy. I would refrain from turning on others and just go on a death spiral of how horrible I was. Max has always just gone to a super bitchy place.

This week, Max was feeling very stagnate. He has witnessed our forward momentum, and he doesn’t want it to stop. In his world, we need to get on the bandwagon. Eat right. Go to the gym. Get on a schedule. Write down our plans and start executing them.

This came to a head in a Mexican restaurant. The boys asked if I was hungry, and if I would like to eat there. Now, they don’t really like Mexican food…not the way I do. I also know that I like this restaurant more. I was surprised, honored, and delighted that they asked to go there, knowing it wasn’t their first choice and that I hadn’t asked to go there. I felt as if they where honoring me for no other reason than the fact that they wanted to.

My delight was a little short lived because I knew both of them were low blood sugar. Max in particular was having difficulty. I tried to get Max to describe his feelings and he would run into a brick wall. Everything went back to being fat, not following through, having all these tasks left undone, etc. Knowing that had nothing to do with it, I kept digging. As it brought up something, he would verbally lash shut down. He was having so much difficulty being vulnerable.

I looked at Alex and he looked spent. I could feel his pain through his eyes. He had been dealing with this for a while and had come to terms with what was right for him. If Max couldn’t change his path, he felt like they might have to separate in order to continue growth. Somehow I knew that Max was at the crucial point of change. He was so close that it tasted so far away.

I gave the boys some words of encouragement and let him know that I had faith that this could be worked out. I was flying on my high-flying disk, still looking at the positive aspects of the situation. I used my newfound knowledge to listen, really listen. I shared how I saw comparisons to my growth and what I had to do to change.

I know they were listening, but I know it is annoying to hear someone that you are use to commiserating with or feeling better than because they were at least more miserable, try to tell you what to do. It is a switch of hierarchy. There also has to be some real faith and trust that the other person isn’t blowing smoke up your ass as well.

At the end of the meal, I felt compelled to share one of the lessons that I wrote about previously…but I kind of got left at the table. I took a really deep breath. It was the moment that I was completely knocked off my disk. I was upset that I had let it get to me. I was discouraged because I desperately wanted Max to feel better, but I didn’t know if I knew what to do. The frustration turned into momentary anger until I reminded myself: NO ONE is responsible for your feelings but you. Yes, Max might have knocked me off, but I was the only one keeping myself away from the high-flying disk. It was totally within my control.

I also reminded myself that the quickest way to get into the vortex was to love something, anything. I went through all the things I was grateful for and retapped into my love for Alex and Max. I was immediately back on the disk.

We took a break to do some things and regrouped. When everyone was calm and nourished, Alex and I turned to Max and told him that we love him and wanted to help him. We kept asking clarifying questions, waited for his response and digged further. We reflected back to him exactly what we saw him to be and how much we loved him. The glare of the truth light was excruciating for him. He would hide under blankets or yell at us, but you could tell that he wanted to be released.

What came to head was that his trigger bad emotion is embarrassment. He is afraid of being embarrassed. He is afraid of others embarrassing him. Embarrassment is the gauge he uses to determine his worth all the time. The “hall monitor” was installed to keep anyone from feeling embarrassment. On the other hand, when Max felt threatened…he would release a verbal lashing to instill embarrassment in others.

This was so affective with me. Max and I are so alike. In me, he saw me struggle with the same demons he did. I was worried about being a disappointment, but the same things he thought were embarrassing did often not embarrass me. That way, when he got frustrated that I was beating myself up, he would embarrass me about something I felt okay about. This would cause me to second guess myself, and feel even worse.

I had been so self-conscious about my lady bits that I grew cancer in them and had to rip them out. I told him, you can continue on this path with a similar result…or you can just relax and find some way to appreciate that which embarrasses you so much.

Often times, the solution is just finding some aspect to love. You might have to start with easier things around the target, but eventually….you have to look at the thing you hate the most and either decide to keep resisting it or just let go and learn to love it. So often, the object of your obsession is not as horrific or unique as you think it is. Only by shining the light of love and acceptance on it, can you fully accept how wonderful and marvelous you are.

We are at our best when we are most in tune with ourselves. The more we can honestly say we love ourselves, the more joy and happiness we can feel. It is only then that we can manifest exactly what we want for our lives. This is our purpose on this planet. Just like in the Never Ending Story, the Universe is built on all of our dreams and desires. There is nothing exactly right or exactly evil…..everything is good.

Feel better.

The Ideal Relationship

Okay, I have been focused on love a lot. I know I have so much to learn on the topic that the words are pouring out of my hands. I want to grasp it, feel it. I want to taste the deliciousness of it. I feel like I have been preventing myself from tasting the juiciest, most decadent cupcake in all of the land.

Honestly, I do love pastry but the sadder part is that cupcakes represented the joy I was missing from life. A cupcake didn’t judge. It always looks cute. It doesn’t discriminate. My younger self would gorge on these items, which lead to weight gain, PCOS, and in all honesty…uterine cancer.

The problem is we often make fun of the fatty eating the cupcake. We don’t dig deeper to see what that means. For me it is the lack of love and acceptance I felt, which ultimately led to swallowing my sexual confusion and frustration down with pastry. It was a talent my father passed down to me. Seriously.

I crave pastry when I have gone awhile with out it. I can’t go a week without a cupcake. I have gone without sex for years. At one point, it was over a decade. When you are looking for an object to love, one that hasn’t betrayed you, one that has never made you feel worse, I look to the humble cupcake in all sizes, shapes, and flavors. My love is unconditional when it comes to this pastry.

I remember a great conversation with Alex and Max when I was explaining my love of all things cupcake. I could describe every aspect of the experience, from selection to devouring. They explained to me that the feeling of craving is exactly what they experience when they are hungry for intimacy with one another. As a self-professed prude, I didn’t think that eating a simple pastry could be as tantalizing as having sex. It made it almost feel dirty. They told me I needed to stop hoarding, and start sharing my cupcakes.

That judgment is exactly what I have to counteract when it comes to really trying to connect with a partner. Being intimate with someone is not dirty. There is nothing wrong. It is natural. Our bodies were made to express pleasure in the experience. Why we have demonized sex is beyond me. I bought it for so long. I drank the kool-aide. I just wanted to be a good girl. A respectable girl. Meanwhile, girls who were whoring it up and getting pregnant at young ages were actually better adjusted than I was.

No sense weeping over lost time, but it is time to get a handle on things.  I don’t have any more lady bits to be ripped out from neglect.

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When you really want something, you often have equally as intense emotions about not wanting it. This has confused me for years. I have had a paralyzing fear of being alone for a good portion of my life. All those years of feeling desperately alone in my bedroom, begging for someone to love me, didn’t set me up for long term mental health. I feared the lack of love so much, that I was obsessed by it.  Little did I know, you get what you think about, whether you want it or not.

On the rare moments where I felt love or attention from an adult in my life, I was so ecstatic that I became frightened by what lied on the other side. It is rational, or at least I was taught, that I should look out for the other shoe dropping. The vulnerability of loving and being so connected to myself created a fear of lack that morphed into foreboding joy.

Somehow I was taught that I had to find my worth outside of myself. When I couldn’t mold myself to be worthy in someone else’s eyes, I felt excruciating alone and disconnected. I stopped looking for objects to love, and I stopped hoping to be someone’s object of attention.

On occasion, someone would surprise me and shine a little attention onto me. As much as I felt excited, I became super paranoid. First, why would they ever hold me as an object of attention? I wouldn’t, so they must be flawed. If I got passed that, which was almost never, I had trouble relaxing into the acceptance of that attention, or desperately focused on not losing it. I would begin doing everything I could think of to prove to them that I was still worthy of their attention at even greater sacrifice to my self.

Some people could smell this desperation and milked it for all they could. There are people who are drawn to these situations because the pickings are easy. I was easy to control and manipulate. You could do it to get something, or do it for show.

Eventually, I released these people. I found other friends who made me feel so great when I was around them that I became terrified that I couldn’t live with out them. For these non-sexual soul mates, our relationship was filled with ease. Time flew by when I was around them. The stark contrast of how good I felt with them, made the darkness of my isolation when I was not around them seem unbearable.

I became so dependent on them to make me feel good, that I released any accountability on my part. I was an emotional leech. I would do anything for these individuals, but I couldn’t take responsibility for my own happiness. They loved me, but I was draining them.

When I was the object of their attention, I felt great. I felt fed. I felt love. I demanded that they kept focused on me, because when they let go…I was a puppet cut from its strings. They saw the crash and wanted to do anything they could to prevent that, but they knew they were killing themselves. No matter how much someone loves you, they will never be always available to you. It is impossible. Their mission on this Earth was never to be that for you.

This was a really difficult lesson for me to learn. As someone with almost no relationship experience, I was so emotionally unintelligent that I could understand what was going on. I just felt the pain from the lack of love and connection. It got so bad that these friends moved 21 hours away to restore balance. I am pleased to report that we are now closer than ever, but I couldn’t have done it without them.

Sometimes your worst nightmare has to happen in order for you to get the biggest a-ha. I believe that it wasn’t really meant to be this way. The universe whispers what you need to do all the time. When we don’t listen, the result can feel like that impact of a car crash on the soul.

So, back to finding a significant other.

There are so many reasons why I am so grateful that I haven’t met “the one” or others in my life. First, how many women are in their late 30s, discover they are lesbian, and are stuck in a bad marriage with children? It is more than you can imagine. If Law of Attraction states that you are matched to that which you are a vibrational match of, I am grateful that I have held off. I am sure in my depressed state I would have ended up in a miserable relationship.

On New Year’s Eve, Max asked me what I wanted most in life. I told him a relationship. On that night, he made me call it out into the universe and we actually talked about action steps for making it happen.

This year in particular, as I have grown and expanded on my journey, I have had a lot of close calls. In January, I dated a man who had every item checked off my Cosmo inspired husband checklist. He fit every expectation that I thought I had for my partner, but we met and he disappeared. It was spooky.

I was devastated for a while and took a break from looking again. I worked on myself. I found things to do that made me feel sexy. I tried to look at things in a less prudish way.  Shortly there after, I had the epiphany that I was most likely gay.

This realization opened so many doors, but I remember being discouraged because I couldn’t find as many ladies interested in dating as I could find men. I became impatient. I tried to force things on for size. I would talk to girls that I was not clearly attracted to. This felt like swimming upstream.  The universe knew I wasn’t ready and wasn’t yielding me what I wanted; I was dissatisfied.

I finally came across a lovely girl named Juliet.  She looked like a girl, not a man. I thought she was cute and went and saw her at a bar on the same night we were introduced to one another. She was younger, but more experienced. She had a bad childhood and rotten mother. She recently survived cervical cancer. She was smarter than hell and loved Shakespeare.

For everything that I found positive, I could find a negative. What I couldn’t ignore was that I felt the most like myself when I was around her. When I saw her, I knew she thought I was cute no matter what I wore. I didn’t have to try and be anything other than myself, and it felt great.

I started to see what people were talking about. Step one: coming together. We see only the positive aspects of one another. We see ourselves being vulnerable and true to who we are, and being the object of the other’s attention feels so good. We are both aligned with source on our own accord, and find ourselves even more aligned together.

Then, I started seeing things I didn’t like. I got judgmental. What would others think? Each item I saw and disliked separated me from her and my source. I held her responsible for how I felt. I knew I felt good before I saw it. The next thought becomes, she isn’t the one; I must go somewhere else where that thing that is displeasing to me is not present. In reality, that is nowhere.

The more I realized this, the more I felt like I was such a loser. I knew my problem had nothing to do with her. I was more honest with her than I had really been with any other partner, but I couldn’t keep the door of communication open. I was still questioning my worth, my homophobia, and my sexuality. As long as I was poking at my vulnerabilities, the more I felt like I had to protect her from me.

Hence, I took a break.

The momentum wasn’t flowing from ease. Besides, by now I knew I had cancer. There were a lot more fish to fry. I realized that it was crucial to keep people with the right energy around me, a positive one. I realized that part of my difficulty with Juliet was the fact that I sensed such negativity in her. It was the same negativity I had worked so hard to process in me. I knew that I didn’t want to revisit it. The problem was, I still wasn’t assertive enough to tell her what I felt. I was too concerned with people pleasing. I wanted to be polite, not honest.

Feeling a little stronger, I am ready to give things another go. I am the attractor of what I want and can attract it from anyone I want. I am in the process currently of picking out what I want. So here is the request list:

I am looking for someone already tuned in, tapped in, turned on. They already get it. They are already in alignment with source and won’t hold me responsible for how they feel. This is someone with a majority of things I feel at ease with. Not someone who satisfies me on every level because expansion is fun. This is someone who understands who she is and who she is expanding to be. She is eager about life and willing to keep up with what she is becoming.

I take responsibility for how I feel. I will focus myself on being in alignment with who I am so I can attract someone else who is in alignment. By learning to control my thoughts and take responsibility for my emotions, I can go with the flow and be deliberate.

We understand our own autonomy and can both be expansive without being joined at the hip. We can do our own thing and root for the one another. I will do my best to stay in alignment with source, but will not hold the other one responsible when I slip.

I like you pretty good. Let’s see how it goes.

I am going to only focus on positive aspects.

I want to go with my flow. I plan to go with my flow and I don’t hold you responsible for going with my flow. But, if we can make it easy to go with the flow together….there is nothing we can’t achieve.

And let’s not forget to share your cupcakes!

AGAIN…I am heavily influenced by Abraham Hicks.

Looking for Love In All the Wrong Places

I had an interesting conversation with Alex and Max yesterday. They made mention that while they were with me, that there were two separate occasions where I talked about being nervous or fearful.  In all honesty, that used to describe me all the time. For years, I kept telling them when I had anxiety over the next days’ activities or when I was fearful about the possibility of something happening.

One would think that a diagnosis of cancer would excuse such behavior. Anyone might be afraid when a doctor’ tells you that you have some rebel cells threatening your life, but I have learned this year that the energy spent on worrying is just wasted.

I have come to terms at the beginning of this year that the Universe wants me to know that all life is about feeling good. There is no part of this human experience that was meant to be miserable for the purpose of being miserable. If you accept that as a truth, why do we sometimes fear what is good? You don’t. You sense fear when you feel that you are contrary to receiving or experiencing that which you think is good. You are feeling bad at being in the absence of what you want, what is good.

Knowing that, I still have trouble with the idea that I am worth the good. I have gotten better at recognizing what I want, because I feel good when I see it. When I don’t feel good, it is a sign that it isn’t what I want. Now that I have a slightly better idea of what I want, I need to contemplate what the disconnect is when it comes to receiving it.

For me, I believe it is totally related to love. Who we are as humans is love. I have been trained to not see my worth by people who looked at me with disappointment because I didn’t make their world complete.

I remember feeling better about myself, having lost weight in high school, and starting to go out and experience new activities. My grades were great. Even my parents gave some indication of pride, but I always felt like I just wasn’t good enough. I didn’t have enough polish. I didn’t say the right things. I was a little awkward. My presentation wasn’t as sharp as I had hoped. I actually remember people telling me in college that they couldn’t wait until I came into my own because I would surely be something. This made me feel like I wasn’t enough the way that I was.

In middle school, I died to have big, curly permed hair. I would rat it for hours and uses ton of hairspray. By the time I got to the middle school dance, I felt my hair went flat and wasn’t as pretty as the long, straight hair of the pretty girls with mall bangs. Last night, Alex played with my hair because it isn’t going to be around much longer. He teased it and scrunched it. The smell of Aqua Net sent me back to those pre-teen years. When he finished, my hair resembled my 7th grade self. The photo of the most awkward year of myself featured this hair. As he and Max commented on how nice it looked, I reflected on how I have spent so much of my life running in opposition to this look. Yet, it was the most natural. The most me.

I would say during my high school and college years I was the most me. The turning point was when I was 13 and my church held a surprise birthday party for me at the Vacation Bible School at church. They got me a cake and someone gave me a gift of a hand made loom. It meant so much to me because my family didn’t really do anything for me on that birthday.

This act gave me joy and self esteem that transitioned into natural weight loss. The more weight I loss, the more I felt like myself. As I lost the weight, I pursued new passions. I inherited art supplies and volunteered at the Kalamazoo Institute of Arts for several summers. I began music lessons and joined a show choir. I studied Spanish and dreamed of studying abroad. I felt alive. I was super happy, and people would comment on how much energy I had.

During this time, you are bumping up against so many other people that are looking to get a piece of that source energy. You make them feel good, so they want to stick around. Then, they begin relying on you for their connection to source. Over time, it wears you down because you are unable to be that impossible thing they want you to be.

I used their feedback to train myself away from caring about my own alignment with who I am, with source. I became more concerned about their opinions than being true to whom I am.

When my mom was sick, all I wanted to be was the perfect daughter. I wanted to step up and martyr myself in order to make her well. This initially made her feel good, but she began to hold me accountable for when she wasn’t feeling good. No matter what I did, I couldn’t be what she wanted me to be.

After she died, I actually worked for the American Cancer Society. I really enjoyed the job and felt at times that I was my highest self when I was doing the work. It came with ease and I brought a lot of joy. When I started fearing that I needed to move up the corporate latter because I was fearful that my salary was lacking, I started heading into opposition. I became critiqued for not fitting into a box that they thought I needed to…and the discord poisoned the rest of my time there. This was completely compounded by the fact that some of the co-workers that I loved so much, were beginning to really rub me the wrong way.

The second that I thought my real problem was that I needed to be anything other than who I was, life became dark and bleak. Everything was harder. There was no ease and joy. I felt the more I martyred myself, the higher the rewards would be. I got sick. I was exhausted. I felt numb, and I became so depressed that I didn’t recognize who was starring back at me in the mirror. I have a series of pictures through my late 20s of myself in hairstyles that I don’t remember because I was so numb and self-hating.

Coming back to center means accepting that who I really am is love. When you love something, you align yourself with who you really are and align yourself with source energy.  If you think about an animal you love or see someone love deeply, they don’t really do anything specifically for it. A baby doesn’t come out of a womb doing a tap dance for your love. We love them because we are love, not because they are wonderful. It is natural to love.

When you are focused on someone and not loving them, your choice to push against them has you out of whack with your loving alignment. Jesus was to represent the love of the world. Even if we think we have a good reason, not loving something is actually hurting us, not them. If you are judging or limiting love from someone else, you are pinching off the supply of love to yourself. You are putting conditions on it, which means you are putting conditions on someone loving you.

We don’t say be loveable so I can love you. We love you. Be whomever you choose to be. Our love of you is not dependent on your behavior; our love of you is unconditional. It is delicious and natural in spite of what ever is going on.

A stumbling block to this is when someone feels the need to control this. When they see A and they feel love, then they see B and don’t, they believe that they have to kill situation B so they don’t feel the lack of love again. The idea that everyone has to do the same thing comes from people feeling better when they see one condition and worse when they see another. Believing if they could just control the conditions, they’ll feel better. The truth is that anyone who tries to control conditions to feel better always feels worse. You cannot control conditions; it is impossible.

It is in this flawed thinking that so often we are trained to just behave in a certain way, you will be loved. This keeps you distant from source; it keeps you from the spring of eternal truth. The whole time, you thought your inability to fit the mold was what was keeping you from being loved, but it was of you ignoring your own unique drum that was preventing you from feeling the love. The whole time you were soliciting others for their love, you could have easily changed to be singularly focused with much greater results.

How can you reverse this ship? The biggest lesson that I had to learn this year was how to take responsibility for how I feel. No one can make you feel bad, you do.  If we are source love, with the only real job in life to reach out and love others, start doing so. When you are having trouble loving, it doesn’t matter what your object of appreciation is, just that you have one. You can start loving things that are easy. Your favorite chair. Your animals. Your kids. The more you can focus on and be grateful for the things that you love, the easier it is to still remain in that loving place when you start looking at yourself.

Learning to feel this kind of love is like refueling your car. It connects you to all the energy you need to conquer what you want. It can almost make you feel invincible. When you feel like you get kicked off of the higher vibration of these thought patterns, you can take the responsibility for making yourself feel better. It is not filtered through anyone else. It doesn’t have an expiration date. The well of love is available at any time if you want to drink from it. It is ultimate well-being.

Another huge component to this is being able to release judgment when you or anyone else knocks you off of this high flying disk. I know I had relatives, friends, and co-workers who may have discouraged me or distracted me from being my best self. I have harbored great anger over this for years. What I have come to learn is that feeling hate or anger is rooted in my inability to feel like I can love fully.  I have had to really embrace the concept of forgiveness in order to release this. In the end, forgiveness is just withdrawing attention from that which is keeping you from being in the vortex.

Intention for today: Find objects with the intention to love.

Have you not checked out Abraham Hicks yet?