Today the sun is shining and I have felt the warmth of the glow on my face for the first time in eons. My bones are a little achy, but the pop of spring makes it a little easier to digest. I had chemo again last week. It was my second to the last one. I had a couple of extra weeks off because of the show, which made it hard to get excited about hooking up to IV bag again.
During the show run, I felt so good. I didn’t hurt. I had energy, and was doing challenging things physically for myself. I felt pretty in my make-up and wig. I even had an influx of new friends on Facebook. More in a couple of weeks than I have had in the last few years.
After any show, there is an eventual let down. You don’t have to go to practice. Your new friends start to go their separate ways. I had to face my reality. I am almost done with treatment. Almost.
I am super excited to be done. I don’t love the 8 hours hooked up to an IV. It is really suppose to be 6 hours, but when the nurse forgets to tell the pharmacy that you are ready for an hour and you add up the extra holes punched in your arm until they get a good vein…the time adds up.
I was a little more nervous than usual. Mostly because I had tasted normalcy and didn’t want to feel sick again. In reality, chemo doesn’t make me that sick. I take so many pills to prevent things, that I have never really been nauseous. The one thing that always comes is the boney pain. According to the nurses, adults make new blood cells in the pelvis and the sternum. My femur bones feel it, but so do my joints.
When I went in for my Neulasta shot, a new nurse told me that a doctor was trying Claritin to help treat his patient’s boney pain. Take one a day for the next 4 to five days. I have and although my sinuses are great, I still have the pain.
As I ponder my next chapter…I look towards new job opportunities. I might have one in my pocket. The job is a 9-5, paper-pushing, government type. It pays well, has great benefits. As a broke teacher, the stability sounds great. Pay increases. Minimal contact with outside clientele. But do I want to go back to that life? I have worked so hard over the years. I plowed over my own health and happiness for “da man” on more than one occasion. Where is the opening for pursuing my passions? When do I stop trying to be that straight laced, all-American gal? Is it worth trading your freedom for stability?
I have no answers. I am still pondering it all myself.
Deep down, I just want to be a professor at some community college. I just want to be a little crazy, help adults learn how to write, and have a little stage to inspire others to be their greatest. It doesn’t have to be fancy. I would love for it to just pay the bills….